i never promised you a ray of light.

2010-07-03T22:26:00.001+08:00

*dies*
Holland will win the World Cup! :D

03/07/10

2010-07-03T18:44:00.003+08:00

LIBERASHION hash never bin sho eggciting.

No, I kid.

Doesn't feel like CTs are over when you're doing sampling instead of sleeping after staying awake until 4AM talking about people and life. And our houses will be in a row next time, with Pigger's under construction. HAHAHAH.

Today I finally understood what people meant when their heart broke in that split second, that instant when that fleeting glimpse or that stolen glance killed their entire being and their entire world crashed down but in another dimension, in this dimension called life, it still goes on and so they have to brave the fragments of their broken world and the shatter of their broken heart and smile, even when the pieces are sticking out of their body, their soul, so clear and plain for everyone to see.

It is painful but no one knows. It is unseen when to you it is so plain and clear and all laid out.

Sometimes I feel like shouting HELP, scream my lungs out and deplete all my oxygen to give that call of desperation, but who really hears the heart that cries when the mouth is shut?

30/06/10

2010-06-30T19:38:00.002+08:00

“Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.”

I'm scared of tomorrow. I'll own you, math paper.

And I'm scared. It's already July.

27/06/10

2010-06-27T16:29:00.003+08:00

Last June holidays of our whole life. I just realised it today.

Time is slipping away too quickly. While we're all buried in the books we tend to forget the people around us. And when everything's over, we're going to say goodbye to the lives we had for the past... 18 years.

Gosh. We're going to be adults. Too soon, too unprepared.

And tomorrow, we'll be fighting for our future. One step at a time. ARGH

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

26/06/10

2010-06-26T21:32:00.004+08:00

My favourite thing of all time -- rainbows :) They hold a special meaning I think sometimes I cannot fathom. They're just... magical. Ethereal. Sometimes they make you feel like you're not the only one in this world. And that's comfort on it's own :)

I accidentally checked my SAT scores just now! I don't know whether I should be happy or sad mehhhhh ): Had my first LAN experience yesterday. L4D2! ♥

Feels like buying pretty clothes and pretty shoes and pretty bags and just walking around feeling very pretty and eat pretty cupcakes and pretty chocolate and hum pretty songs and and and OK WAKE UP.

It's okay, but we just need to fight... For one more day. Before the first war begins.

“Our hearts are like puzzle pieces and mine was made to fit with yours. No matter how hard you try to fit hers in, it will never work; the wrong piece never fits.”

22/06/10

2010-06-22T23:36:00.002+08:00

black and white and pencil and paper

Maybe we're black, white, yellow, red-haired, raven, sharp-nosed, slit-eyed, homosexual, anorexic, old, young. But I think we all feel the same way to the same things.

And this is such a pretty post :)

22/06/10

2010-06-22T00:38:00.001+08:00

My boyfriend lives two thousand miles away. When my faith was shaken that we'd ever work out, I came to him and he said that everything would work out like we planned. I told him that we would need a miracle. He said: "We are the miracle." His love refusal for us to fail GMH.

Givesmehope.com

21/06/10

2010-06-21T01:36:00.002+08:00

A picture paints a thousand words; Here's three thousand.
Insomnia again. I never learn.

This too shall pass.

16/06/10

2010-06-16T01:39:00.003+08:00

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

Just another day, just another pretty face. Just another thing into my brain, just another one slipped away. Just one more drink, one more time, one more chance. Just one more question, one more answer, one more uncertainty. One more tick, one more topic, one more look, one more glance. A little bit more emotional, a little bit more frustrated, a little crazier, saner, prettier, sadder.

The world is a very funny place. Ironic, bloody, lovely, hopeful, hopeless, death, life, lies, laughter, dance, songs, myth, music... etcetera etcetera. The list goes on, and so does life. Until we die, of course. But death doesn't even affect us -- we wouldn't know -- it only affects those who lived. How ironic.

I'm very afraid and excited at what's to come after A levels. I know, talking about things beyond it when I'm still not over it yet. But I'm afraid of losing everyone I know, as we all go our separate ways, losing the life I once had, them (boring but comforting) routines for the past 6 years of my life. Yet I'm excited, of the life that is going to unravel in front of my eyes, of new people, new opportunities, new clothes (LOL), new everything. I hate changes, but this change I would embrace I guess. Somehow I feel I need something new, mostly like a person in a cupboard needs a gush of unexpired air. And of course, the freedom it brings. Sigh.

Sorry for the nonsensical whimsical fantastical musings. I'm just tired, I think.

God, I really can't take it anymore. Tonight, just tonight. 2AM. So if you don't accept my care forget it. I don't know why I spend so much time and effort also. It just comes out of me naturally, thankfully, but sometimes it's just nice to expect something in return. I am only human, if you'd forgotten. Not an angel or something (although it'll be nice to be one). Please stop it. What else can I say? Same old, same old. And I hate it. I hate this shit.

Good bloody night.

13/06/10

2010-06-13T00:02:00.002+08:00

I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

My mum and sisters are watching Gossip Girls. LOL. And my dad says I shouldn't watch if not I'll get addicted. Like them :O I love today. Oh happy day~~

My lovely rainbow bag is breaking -- there's a hole on one side ): -- so I was bag-searching online and Taobao has 16 yuan bags!!!! So my bags (means I am gonna buy more than one YAY) are gonna be super colourful and pretty and girly. Yay :)

http://www.thestar.com/living/article/821688--disney-world-photo-captures-couple-together-15-years-before-they-met?bn=1

In a nutshell: This girl's family went to Disney for a holiday and they took a photograph. 30 years later this girl is a grown woman married to this man and they were flipping through their old photograph albums and they saw that photo. And, that man was inside that photo too, a baby in a stroller at the sidewalk at the background of the picture. I don't know what is this but this is like they were fated right from the start. Seriously. I mean, what are the odds?!

You can't help me; Only time can. So let's just wait and see, everyone. Enjoy the show.

11/06/10

2010-06-11T20:35:00.003+08:00

♥ 6A! :)

At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what seems to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the fist steps of a journey.

Although we're getting a little older and a little lazier and a little bit more 'anything also can la, you all choose' (ok that was the guys). And we all got ripped off at Marche, the food was great but so was the $$$! Did some stupid dares that involved nose rubbing, hand kissing, hair tying, 'I like your style' and Idk what else HAHAHHA damn funny love ya'll :) :) :)

And that was the only time I really went out during the holidays. The other days were mostly spent between Bedok and Parkway/Roxy Square, where Amy and I saw an average of 1 person from DHS per day ))):

My schedule every day is as follows:

8AM alarm rings, but sometimes I will fall asleep and wake up at 9AM ):
10AM start work, which is my most productive timing until 12+ when I start to feel hungry.
1PM eat lunch, talk, slack, until 2PM
2PM wants to die but still does work, with the (occasional) computer break when Amy and I go stalk people on Facebook, talk about life and procreation (LOL) and emo abit, slack slack slack until 6PM where we will get a shock.
6.30/7PM I will go and buy and eat dinner
7.30PM already lost steam and still losing more brain cells and we fight our worksheets, papers and notes until around 9PM
9.30PM go home.
10PM reach home = slack aka goodbye productivity.

I HAVE NO LIFE. I can't stand it. I am turning anti-parallel to become an anti-me. I am turning crazy. And there are some random things I would like to say:

+ I think the whole world, at least Singapore, is connected. How can someone sitting next to me in Bedok CC be a friend of my friend's friend!? Coincidence much.
+ Today, I looked at my scratched/scarred waterbottle and now I really, really think that it was not a coincidence that I lost my previous waterbottle. My previous bottle was called 'Risk' (as in, the word that was on the bottle). And I lost 'Risk' during SERVICE (yes, fantastic) then when I went home I told my mum and she threw me my sister's old bottle. Called 'Trust'. Yeah so I must 'trust' my heart and stop 'risk'ing everything LOL. Yes. Okay. Really random.
+ Sometimes I read some blogs and I really feel like knocking on some people's heads. I really really really really promise promise promise promise to not be a whiny baboon take-things-for-granted (is there a term for this? I forgot) emo lamo-famo person. I will appreciate what I have. I will not be so worried about what's gonna happen and just enjoy the moment (this is the hardest thing for me, cause I think it's part of my personality to look into the future and see any potential hazards and just worry my heart out even if it may not happen, but for everyone's sake I will try to change). I will eat more fruits and sleep earlier (for pretty skin and less eyebags respectively). I will sing my heart out in Teo Heng next time (LOL). I will stop talking so loud. I will stop thinking so negatively. I will study hard so I will not embarrass myself or my husband next time (says Trish, LOL). I will be happy. I am already happy. Go me.

LOL ok I don't know why I typed such a huge chunk of things that make sense up there but I wanted to say that we must not take the people we love because we may just lose them someday, so we should be more zhi1 zu2. Mmhmm. Sigh Idk how to express myself okay. But where is my prince charming to zhi1 zu2 with!??!!??! Hai. Okay kidding, but some people just don't know how to appreciate what they have. Please don't, okay. You have everything that I have nothing of. Someday you don't have already we will be equal and I may laugh at you because I'm already used to it and you'd have to start getting use to. So, is it better to have nothing to start with than to lose everything?

& Finally, My brother heard 'the son of a battery' when the South Africans were singing 'the sound of victory' HAHAHAHHA. GO HOLLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

07/06/10

2010-06-07T21:53:00.003+08:00

There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It's still a little harder to say what's going on

There's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There's still a little bit of your song in my ear
There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Such a pretty, sad little song. Such meaningful lyrics. Such a fun day laced with rain. Such great company today :) Such stupid things we did in Marche *raises eyebrows and rolls eyes* Such a great movie called Prince of Persia with a hot prince and a hot princess.

Sometimes I don't know what to think. Is there any way for me to just dwell in this magical bubble where there's only my own thoughts and imagination? Like living in a snow-globe, protected from the wind and rain and sun from the outside. It's always snowing, just like how it's always the things I want to see, hear, feel. But then again I am not living in a snow-globe and everything just comes like arrows everywhere and try damn hard to dodge everything but I'm not perfect; The arrow just shoots right into my heart or my head or something and I'd die over and over again. Like a nightmare. Wake up, wake up, someone come and shake me so I'd wake up.

edit/ Tonight something pulled the trigger. Suddenly all that uncertainty came flooding back again. Now I really don't know what to do. You're right, life is really unpredictable, and we can't control anything. There's too many external forces too great for us to remain constant. That is the saddest thing, I think. And all these external forces are acting against me right now. So massive is the force I can't do anything. But the weirdest thing is that they aren't doing anything to me unless I go against them. Which is what I did tonight, stupidly. So yeah. I'm just going to stay there, like a sandstorm this will all pass, eventually. Peacefully, if I don't do anything but stay hidden in that little protective tent and pretend that the world around me is that small and impenetrable. I'd be enveloped by all that sand whirring around, hitting hard on that tent but it wouldn't break, wouldn't give way unless I try to. So I'd wait. Wait in that little tent of mine. Wait for that sandstorm to die down. Wait for the sky to clear again. Wait until I see that rainbow again.

I might, I might just.

(OMG this is so cool I just saw my Mac's calendar change from 7 to 8!)

06/06/10

2010-06-06T10:50:00.004+08:00

Need dream interpretators for these near-real dreams of mine:

1) This was quite long ago but I shall write it down anyway. This person and I were on the boardwalk and it was a damn beautiful night with a lot of stars. Then there were shooting stars so I made a wish. And the person made the same wish. Then later he said, "Just joking". When I woke up I didn't know what to feel. Go die. LOL.

2) Miss Lin gave Trish a file and I saw my name on it -.- It was something like grading my performance and she gave me a 17/20 for my SMILE -.- I was damn terrified when I woke up because I thought it was REAL and I was damn mad at Trish in my dream because she sort of like 'betrayed' me for grading me like that. LOL.

3) I went to a snowy place for a holiday with my family. But they sort of pangseh-ed me last minute. But I went myself anyway. There was Ben Sim (again). And Anthea (again). (Is it a sign that my grades are gonna improve?)

4) There was this crazy man chasing me and Zhan Jie so we were running and I decided to jump into a river so we were swimming quite fast until the man jumped inside the river too and the river was suddenly very long and hard to swim in and I realised that there were crocodiles inside the river. So I was very afraid but before I had time to react there was a change of scene (-.-) and Zhan Jie was gone and this weird guy whose face I have not seen before that is not very buff nor skinny (but I remember the face was like on the chubby side lol) and quite tall came into the room.

5) This happened this morning after I snoozed AND continued sleeping -.- I dreamt that I was living in this damn big house but it is not a landed property (means like quite upstairs one) and my siblings were there and we were doing some stuffs. We went to a beach and then it was at night already and my family left in a car. So I was walking back to my house (presumably) and my feet kept getting stuck at the sand that was super mushy like mud and super deep. So I kept walking back but it was getting harder and harder and the water level was rising and everyone was disappearing and I found this higher ground place and was trying to stand on it and I put all the money, bus tickets, etc etc from my wallet (that is the wallet I have in real life, LOL) on a tree stump that was quite high to keep them dry but the water level kept rising so I was very scared and suddenly I was floating away and I shouted GOD, SAVE ME damn loudly and I sank into the water and I tried to just let go of everything and in the middle of that I regained consciousness and was breathing damn hard like I'd really come out of the water and I was damn shocked and scared for that few moments.

Gosh. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back to sleep. Retribution for procrastination ):

And in my dreams the places and people morph around like nobody's business. Sigh. Why can't I have a nice movie-like dream?!

Well I guess I better go study before more dying dreams happen. So scary ):

05/06/10

2010-06-05T23:03:00.003+08:00

Hello. I had my SATs today on a SATurday. LOL. It was okay, math was relatively simple but I kept wanting to fall asleep. And I think my body has problems adjusting to cold rooms ):

& Hello, I hope you're doing well. Adjusting to this stupid timetable I drew for myself isn't very easy, and the normality and brevity of life is making me, well, not very well ): I hate mugging. The initial excitement and eagerness to mug is wearing off. Sigh sigh sigh, I hope you are doing better. And lastly I hope you see this, if not this whole paragraph should just evaporate.

Some things are like Macroeconomics, there's just too many assumptions. What happens when all of them do not hold true? Well, more evaluations for our essays I guess.

As most of you can probably tell I am slightly crazy from all the mugging already. My blue Rexgrip pencil and flaky eraser are my best friends (for the time being).

02/06/10

2010-06-02T22:45:00.003+08:00

When you really want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it.
Never stop dreaming. Follow the omens. Everything is written.

Too many happy things these past few days, all sheafed in between those arduous periods of mugging. The weirdest thing is that I feel free when I am physically bounded by all the books, worksheets, notes, and mentally bounded to the common test (and SATs T_T). Well maybe I'm just comforted by the fact that I'm not doing this alone, really. And so we'll get through this together :)

So I pray, I wait, and I hope with all my heart. Maybe, just maybe, that will be enough.

Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.

01/06/10

2010-06-01T00:41:00.000+08:00

What the heck, it's June already.

25/05/10 - bye

2010-05-25T19:51:00.001+08:00

Until I get all my marbles back.

Tomorrow, I'm going to fight even when I'm already wounded and bleeding. GP you're going downnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

23/05/10

2010-05-23T22:26:00.003+08:00

Someday my prince will come in a pink blazer with a huge bento box and we will waltz away to the setting sun in a rainbow-coloured horse.

Ok that's wishful thinking.

Soon we will bid goodbye to lovely May and welcome June with not really open arms. Because June's going to get tough with us. Some will fall, some will continue to run the race, some will rest a little and fall behind, some will be exhausted... and it is the only time all of us can have a pit stop and so the ones who are falling behind (ie. me) will have time to level the playing field again. I just wish I had the capability to do it.

Wrote my PQ today, I made myself sound like a superhuman. Lol.

I still want a bento box ):

21/05/10 - Handover.

2010-05-21T23:35:00.005+08:00

Just like Economic Growth, there is actual happiness and expected happiness. The latter is the one where you imagine everything to be perfect, from the wind in your hair to your thoughts, and the world places everything in your path, money, men, anything you desire and want, while the former is more covert, more of a happy place in one's heart. When some things go right but others go wrong, yet all in all there is that feeling of peace and calmness that leads to happiness deep inside oneself.

I think I felt actual happiness today. Somewhat, perhaps. Was praying so hard not to fall asleep during Chem SPA and thank you everyone who helped because I totally forgot that I was sleepy halfway through and had to remind myself that I slept at 1AM yesterday. Plus Chem SPA was :) Plus I FINALLY got my report slip. Plus I could actually get all the items for handover just now. Like who sells a gold pen in the neighbourhood? And handover itself, the relay race in the hot summer (?) sun and Captain's Ball with vinegar-soaked sponge, ping pong ball and water bags. LOL.

So. :) Perhaps life isn't that hard to live after all. It's like cyclical unemployment and all other cycles, no? What goes up eventually goes down, and one doesn't stay down for too long before things start to pick up again. Such is the irony (or sadness?) of life. Sigh. But I sincerely hope that it would gradually appreciate like Singapore currency against all odds.

Okay Econs is getting into my brain. I am increasingly crazier with each passing day. In this case I wonder how I would be like during A levels. LOL.

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four legs, four arms and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them apart, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other half. I hope that my other half is out there somewhere.
- Six Billion Secrets.

So two is always better than one, somehow. Although Greek mythology is, well, mythology, I still sort of believe in this. So where is the other who shares my blood, my heart, my intestines, liver and all (and maybe still has an appendix), and when we combine there is nothing that can fight us at all?

Okay x2 I just realised I left my water bottle in class. Wanted to write that today I keep feeling very thirsty and I finished a honey lemon drink in less than 2 minutes. Crazy right. Then I realised that my. water. bottle. is. in. class. In. class. That. is. not. my. class. Um. Argh? I will normally be late for school so I would be walking upstairs to get my water bottle in front of the whole class? *is embarrassed* ... I hate this losing water bottle business.

20/05/10

2010-05-20T20:45:00.005+08:00

Tomorrow, I will officially say goodbye to 6 years of choir. Is it more of a relief or sadness? I don't know, sometimes I lean more towards one side or another, but after thinking so hard I still don't know the answer. But it'll be a bittersweet goodbye, I guess. Singing one last song together tomorrow will be so hard; It will be like a full circle for us. Innocent, wide-eyed sec 1s entering choir for the first time, I remember trying so hard to get in that the seniors thought I was too proud (ok, maybe I REALLY am but this is so not the point now) to be able to be a chorister. But thank everything I got in. And I've not looked back since. Although sometimes I wonder how I'd be like in other CCAs, but if not for joining choir, I wouldn't have learnt so much, found my happy place, met so many amazing people, won, lost, cried, regretted, laughed... and so much more. To the point where I'd proudly tell people that I'm a chorister and hate anyone who said it wasn't good. Defensive much.

Thank you everyone for everything. Thank you sec4 seniors for scaring the hell out of me and making me respect you all and keeping me in check of myself when I was a new sec1. Thank you Qiaoyue for being my best senior and a close friend :) Thank you sec4s batch of 2008 for putting your best. And last but not least, thank you yr6s batch of 2010 for these 4/6 years of walking together, putting up with all my nonsense and retardedness (+10 points), gaying around, feeling the BONDEDNESS (laugh out loud) and for just being you guys.

This is the end of a journey. *big audible sigh*

So tomorrow, I will play and sing and laugh my best and utmost and enjoy myself to the fullest. As one last time, a chorister.

---

Aside, I did a GP question analysis this morning on ""The media is becoming too intrusive." How far do you agree with this statement?" Plus I keep thinking of the question that someone must mean something to another person, if not that existence of that person is unaccounted for. Meaning, if no one needs me (which I don't think anyone does), life is meaningless. Does anyone feel this way too? Because we are all searching for the meaning of life, but what if life is about this? What if it's about someone finding solace/hope/comfort in you, and so needs you, and if no one does, you aren't really living? Is it? If that's the case, how I admire all of them. All of you. I don't know.

Plus, I am really afraid about the great big unknown -- or maybe the already-known A levels -- that are like black clouds looming over my head, me and only me, waiting to strike with full-blown rain. Which poetically means the A levels are coming and I am doing nothing about it, and I may get killed by it. Or fail. And then the things that I have given up would have been given up in vain; I will lose almost everything.

Alright, maybe I am really just a crazy retard and I ought to be shot or go counselling. On a sidenote, should I really go for counselling? My emotions are getting the better of me, I swear.

Please help, anyone or just someone out there.

If you ever read this,
To a friend: Hey. Alright, I just called you a friend. We aren't really friends, actually, but maybe we can be. Anyway, I just hope everything will be okay for you. Well, stay strong because there is nothing else you can do. I really admire your courage and your strength to be alone. Sometimes I wish I were like you too, more aloof, more independent. In any case, hold on. And although I may not know you well, I know that everything WILL become better, maybe just not now. Don't lose the faith. Jiayou :)

17/05/10

2010-05-17T19:48:00.002+08:00

Please make a Bento for me :)

If not, you can smile for me too. I think that'll be okay, just to see you smile. Take care, friend. I'll be stronger.

15/05/10

2010-05-15T21:55:00.002+08:00

Why can't you just 1C1 and the P (everything will be okay) = 1. But now P (I will be okay | current state of things) = 0 so I have no idea how to choose nor permutate anything.

Maybe I should model my life on a Poisson distribution. Which Xizi says are mainly used for bad things such as disasters and accidents and bacteria reproduction.

Let the number of hours Jing Qi is sad every day be X.
X ~ Po (1/2)
P (X = 16) <- 24 - 8 hours of sleeping

(actually felt like calculating the actual answer but nevermind I am not so geeky 8D)

I hate all this math. I hate you. Go and die.

Know that the pain will pass and when it passes, you will become stronger, happier, more sensitive and aware.

I seriously think that I have become a stronger person and slightly numb from all the knocks in life. And I've changed from a Sensing to Feeling person so I don't know whether it's good or bad.

+ Received a notebook today from Carmel :) Thanks! Shall use it for writing quotes down because I totally love collecting and reading quotes. Actually I just love writing in general. Oh why won't my GP improve!!!

14/05/10

2010-05-14T15:41:00.003+08:00

I wish I could be somebody else
I wish I could see you in myself
Wish there was something inside me
To keep you beside me and
Say what you really feel
You know I need something that's real

Haven't been home so early in a long time. I love taking a bus alone and sleeping on a bus alone and walking home alone. Am I a loner? (Yes.) So many things to do, so little time. And Term 2 is ending at breakneck speeds which means that the mugging is going to start. SATs in 3 weeks' time, GP's 2 weeks time. Oh. My. ___

Went to eat at OAR (Old Airport Road) with Trishy and Ahmee yesterday. I love you two :D Hehehe. And the wanton soup there is totally not wantons but more of dumplings so I didn't get to eat the wantons of my childhood. Which equates to very low utilities and thus a not very happy me ): Then the rest of the day was spent in Ahmee's house doing stupid things like laughing at pictures and milkshaking and escaping from reality. LOL.

Alright I don't know what else to say. Life is now slightly meaningless and school is slightly boring ): Help. Please. Need oxygen.

12/05/10

2010-05-12T23:43:00.002+08:00

When I was young I'd ask myself why I was this soul, this person living inside this body. After some fights with my siblings I'd run up to my room and stare at the mirror and ask. Why? Why? Why am I here? Why am I born to this family? Why is my name Jing Qi and not something else? Why do I look like that? What is my purpose here? There are too many questions, and I think when I die my life's biggest regret would be not getting all the answers to my questions. I know life is not like that. Life is like you will never get a chance to ask all the questions you wanted to know, nor get all the answers to all the questions you wanted to know. Somehow somewhere things go wrong and questions get unanswered. That's why I think my personality is so weird. I want to understand everything and everyone, how they feel and how they think and therefore why they act that way and all those life's burning questions I ask? They're just part of the big plan I have to find out all the answers to my questions. I think I am eccentric. It's okay. I think I am turning weirder. It's okay too. Because I hope that when I look back there is a perfectly good reason (or reasons) for all these.

But for now I think all my questions will be left unanswered so I would just stop thinking before my brain implodes and go to bed. Goodnight.

And DRAKON DRAKON RARR RARR ♥ We fought hard. And I was genuinely sad and disappointed when we lost the finals. But I think life is like that. We've to lose some in order to win in the very end. So we will.

11/05/10

2010-05-11T21:34:00.002+08:00

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was sad because no one would believe in her. No one understood how she felt about this, and somehow she too couldn't find the words to express herself. So no one asked, no one knew. One day, she found that her sadness was too much to bear and so she cried. And when she cried her tears conjured an image of a fairy and that fairy asked her why she was crying. She knew that fairy knew, somehow, but she told the fairy anyway. The fairy told her not to cry because the fairy understood how she felt, and that the fairy would be there for her. The fairy promised. So she believed the fairy, because how else could she find someone to hold on to? Perhaps fairies just have that special power, she believed in that fairy like how she believed that somehow the fairy believed she could do anything in life. But at the dawn of the new spring, she came into the garden again where the fairy lived and she found that the fairy was not there for her. No, the fairy was not even there. It seemed like the fairy disappeared into thin air, or was it stardust? So her heart and her life fell apart because the fairy would never come back again, and there would be no one there to tell her she could do it nor believed in her nor understood how she felt. So she did not live happily ever after but instead spent the rest of her life wondering why the fairy left or disappeared without a word. But sometimes, just sometimes, some things need not be explained.

The end.

09/05/10

2010-05-09T00:05:00.003+08:00

But there’s beauty
in the breakdown
when the exterior crumbles like the brick walls
of demolition
she softens and concaves into herself,
Wrapped in her own bubble of despair and
Determination;
She understood the irony

There is a world of difference between wanting something and getting it. Between trying and trying too hard. Between success and failure. Between the world and nothing.

Gosh I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Wrote so many things since the start of the year in (futile?) attempt to improve my GP in the process. I hope it helps. Maybe one day I will publish all the 'things' I wrote in a book. LOL. Just came back from Verdant Dreams with Luji the drunk and Zenn the weird. K. Nothing much. Life is a cycle and I am currently unemployed. Let's wait for the next cycle shall we?

Can we pretend the airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars?
I could use a wish right now.

08/05/10

2010-05-08T00:49:00.002+08:00

How to breathe, like that?

I feel like taking a walk but it's 12:50AM and I am in pyjamas.

So... the next best thing is to go and sleep.

Thoughts please stop haunting me. They can wait till tomorrow. Please.

07/05/10

2010-05-07T20:11:00.002+08:00

No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible.

TGFE this week. Bio SPA. Chem test. Got back so many tests. And You are always here for me. Thanks.

Really appreciate the moments where I feel that everyone's there for me :) There are so many funny things happening in class that I cannot remember all of them and Friday is exceptionally happy because EBI CURRY DON ♥

No matter what you are doing, keep the undercurrent of happiness. Learn to be secretly happy within your heart in spite of all circumstances.

Total detachment from the external environment. Homeostasis? But what's the point of keeping my internal environment constant when I am so affected by what's happening around me? Plus, I think Bio is really very cool because the concepts can also be applied to life. And Eve says she and Dawn are CLONES. LOL.

03/05/10

2010-05-03T10:45:00.007+08:00

April is over and May is here and we are running out of time

Hours, cease your lucid flight because I have not been living every moment of my life. So ironic. Anyway, celebrated Teoteo's birthday in school after Chem SPA (so check out my fringe it looks very awkward) and Bio SPA is like a cooking class that we cannot finish in time. Studied with Pigger at the Esplanade that has some kind of sleep-inducing drug. And my productivity is going down, which means that I am producing within the PPC and my AS curve is shifting to the left. *big sigh*

Someone please hit my head with a huge rock.

"Sometimes, truth isn’t good enough; sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."

To suffer is a choice, not a must. To think I chose this. But the best decisions are made with your heart, not your head. And so we must suffer the consequence of our choice.

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

24/04/10

2010-04-24T20:35:00.004+08:00

*audible sigh*

I just saw something that made me sad ): And when I said I didn't want anything to change right now, everything decided to change and so here's the start of the vicious cycle again. Let's pop champagne, hurray.

Anyway yesterday was DANZAGE which was ♥ and I think our class dancers are fab :D Yay Cheong & Ning & Aunty! :D The PW group went to eat Yoguru and Pastamania together with Dawn & Leilei. And I got quite high yesterday night even without boozy booze. I think it's the company ♥ Love ya AF we're gonna be reunited soon :)

Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong, believe

21/04/10

2010-04-21T19:51:00.002+08:00

17th April 2010; I love weddings and I do not deny that I want to get married ASAP (LOL) and I would like to wear a pretty wedding dress. Anyway, congrats to Esther & Justin :D I also would like to thank gothere.sg for not telling me that I can actually go to SAM (that's where the wedding was held, cool right in a museum) from Bras Basah MRT in less than 2 minutes and made me walk all the way from City Hall in my heels. And thanks for the EZ-link card that saved my life :) because I stupidly left house without my wallet -.-

16 April 2010; On Monday I woke up late and was late for school because I didn't wake up at the usual time to do PT. Today I went home super early because I did not stay back at the usual time for sectionals. Choir was my life and I think the chorister part of me will never leave. I wouldn't say I miss all the practices but I definitely would miss singing in a choir and all the musical technical work we did. And of course, the (dreaded?) PT practices that really trained my 2.4 and sit-ups and bathing in school. LOL.

And this (with the exception of interviews + handover) marks the real end of my dhschoir life.

---

I don't want anything to change right now.

Although I badly screwed up Math test despite studying for it (very, very pissed at my careless mistake, yes), I had an improvement for Bio test which makes me quite optimistic :D

Watched Pleasantville today in class. It is a very fab show and very funny/weird at the same time. I think GP lessons are super fun because the content is not limited by anything and everything under the sun can be discussed. Yes.

OH, and I got a new phone :D Samsung Corby Pro that looks very chunky/fat and has this keypad at the side which I keep using to type because it has a very unresponsive touchscreen (relative to Poddy). Yes. Thanks pa. Now I have a very stylish Poddy + Seashell + (unnamed) phone. Yay.

Alright here I go... I can't seem to study much nowadays ):

"No matter what you are doing, keep the undercurrent of happiness. Learn to be secretly happy within your heart in spite of all circumstances."

17/04/10

2010-04-17T10:37:00.004+08:00

And... it's over. Thank goodness everything went okay, and we actually sounded nice. Hope it was a great show for those who came :) Yay.

And for the first time I dreamt of singing on stage, the drum song to be exact. LOL.

jingqi! says: maybe my love will come back someday
jingqi! says: only heaven knowssssssss
PAWPAW! says: i wanna be heaven

15/04/10

2010-04-15T22:23:00.002+08:00

Thanks for the memories

This is it. I don't know where to begin. Today we were more 'bonded' than ever, LOL. I think what matters now is that we've made it through. Together, not apart. So here we've come, 6 years of being in the choir. Our last concert.

And PW results are tomorrow. Gosh, what a double bomb. Anyway, I love my PW mates very much and we have already agreed that we would be happy for each other no matter the results. And thanks DH064 for the amazing journey, and PW would FINALLY come to an end tomorrow. Yes. Can't wait.

I just hope that everything will be okay tomorrow. And so it will. :)

14/04/10

2010-04-14T20:57:00.003+08:00

This morning felt like the perfect morning. I was walking to school. The sun seemed prettier today when it shone on the trees. I felt like I was walking in Pandora (aka Avatar land). And then out of the blue I decided to play May it Be on Poddy.

And then the memories came, one by one. We've come so far as a group, some leaving, some joining. Though everyone would have different opinions about our memories, there's no denial that we had shared that very same memory. SYF. Concert. Preparing for all the overseas trips. Preparing for concerts. Preparing for performances. I just realised choir is all about preparing. Always preparing for something. So for the past 6 years of my life, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday (occasionally Saturday), I've been practicing. We've been practicing. And we're getting better and better, growing stronger in strength... And then finally. Our swan song. This Friday. 6 years of my life as a singer, 6 years of my life as a chorister. I do not deny that I would be happy to leave this part of me behind, because I always complain about every single practice, how boring it is, how unproductive we are. But over and above that, I love the feeling whenever we sing -- no, make music -- and the bonds we have and the feeling that we're all in this together.

So here it is, our swan song. So fast. Time really has flown, and in its unmercy taken all of us. And now all that's left are memories. And one more practice. One more rehearsal.

And one last time to shine.

13/04/10

2010-04-13T17:59:00.003+08:00

Life has never felt so good this year until now. :)
2010 I think I can conquer you now.

Super fun/tiring/sweaty/jumpy/flying Captain's Ball/semi-tanning session today. I think it released loads of happy hormones (endorphines? or something) + Full house choir concert (except now there's 80 tickets extra -.-) and PW results both this Friday. I can't wait?

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.”

11/04/10

2010-04-11T23:06:00.002+08:00

Oh God I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My dreams are getting more bizarre by the day/night, I feel that my stomach is growing bigger (thanks to Pastamania with YY eggspensive steamboat with AF and Astons with Nic), we saw a person at Bedok MRT (LOL) and I just did something really very absurd.

Alright now stop analysing all the signs and stop thinking about things that will not happen in the near future and start thinking about synapses, neurones and my blood glucose level being controlled by some insulins and glucagons. Yes, thank you for homeostasis and constant internal environment although I am shivering in the cold right now.

I think I may be really crazy.

Are you really you or someone else?
What does it mean?
Where has my faith gone?

07/04/10

2010-04-07T23:16:00.002+08:00

Her slow jog mounted into a full sprint. She ran, she gasped for air, it had been so long since she ran, but her bones ached, ached for oxygen. And as she flew, she felt the wind gush into her spine, into her lungs, into the deepest cells of her bones. And she turned the corner, eyes closed shut. A leap of faith. Just like how I always wanted.

Please tell me the above paragraph was beautiful. Listening to Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence and drinking milk green is a very inspiring combination. I am slacking my life away and there is only about 6 months left. This is a very frightening thought.

Things to do to make yourself happy throughout these 6 months:
1. Sing! Releases endorphins which are happy hormones (alliteration!) :)
2. Retail therapy if you are a girl or a guy who loves shopping
3. Write down one thing you would like to do after A levels everyday, and spend probably 5 minutes drooling/envisioning about it :)
4. Walk in a very deserted area and allow no human contact with anyone and listen to very emo/contemplative songs (if you need ideas, please ask me I think I have more emo than happy songs. Don't know whether that's good or bad though)
5. Remind yourself that you are beautiful and that you are loved :)

I try to do at least one of the above a day (except number 5 but I have friends who do so, so :D) and it helps so I am sharing my sekrets with you so nice right yes.

& a very HAPPY CHIKABOOLA BIRTHDAY TO MY DARLING DAUGHTER TEO WAN SI :D :D :D Hello if you read this I love you very much and thanks for being my friend for like, *counts* 10 years! (10 years right? Since p2 zomg must celebrate) I cannot believe we have been in the same school for over a decade. It scares me sometimes that we are so old now. But you've always been the more matured one :P Thanks for all the fun times and memories we had! Hope you've enjoyed your eggciting eighteen ♥

Alright my Care Bears (in my favourite colours purple and rainbow) beckon me to hit the sack so goodnight world. Yawn.

05/04/10

2010-04-05T22:43:00.003+08:00

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy
can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

But I see your true colours
shining through
I see your true colours
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colours
You're beautiful, like a rainbow

But the most beautifully sad thing is, everyone has their own story to tell. We're same but different, in so many ways. But one thing's for sure.

We're not alone.

04/04/10

2010-04-04T22:38:00.002+08:00

I asked the wind, but all it did was rustle the leaves.

So let us be shadows, faceless warriors of the earth. Warring against each other. Oh, but you’ve already won. And I am already too tired to carry on.

If only you knew.

The boring monotony of school is happening again. Cycles and more cycles. I am having a terrible stomachache and I think that one of the most happy things in the world is putting ru2 yi4 you2 on your tummy and letting it burn and numb your whole stomach. And when everything's over, the numbing sensation subsides and the pain is gone.

So easy. Just like that.

02/04/10

2010-04-02T14:03:00.002+08:00

Dear Universe, please align everything like how you aligned the Orion belt.

01/04/10

2010-04-01T23:35:00.002+08:00

The Interrupted Song

But like a drug she became hooked to it again and again. The narcotics in her blood reminded her that it was part of who she was, already. The raindrops keep falling on her head and she could not remember why she was doing this. Perhaps everything that mattered to her wouldn’t matter anymore. If you desensitise yourself, would you forget who you are and what you were fighting for? The hallucinations were fading away, those technicoloured pictures turning into monochromatic film again. The colours washed away like how the rain washed her away, bit by bit, molecule by molecule. She could feel the rain on her skin, first a drop, then a streak, like tears. Perhaps they were. She had forgotten how to cry. But drugs have side-effects, and she began to weep silently and beautifully against the rain. A competition to see who won. The tears prevailed.

Happiness is getting tricked by your GP teacher with a fake GP essay assignment with funny questions like "Do students treat GP teachers like slaves?". Yes some of us were almost tricked :D And singing in the hall for 5 times with 5 different experiences although they all were about the same (irony right) and singing May it Be with the junior high choir which was highly-emotional and ANIMAL FARM REUNION ♥ and laughing our heads off while meeting Xizi's "friend" and gossip and Clash of the Titans (super nice) and listening to Sammi Cheng sing outside the Indoor Stadium = ♥

Thank you choir + AF :)

28/03/10 - LOST PHONE ):

2010-03-28T21:09:00.003+08:00

Today was bloody ironic because I lost my phone in Thieves Market. Thieves in Thieves Market. Bloody thief. So please talk to me on MSN with your numbers because I lost everything. Numbers, messages, pictures, songs. Damn it. I hate losing stuff. It's like losing a part of you. Or worse, when you actually depended on it. I've lost a part of me when my computer crashed. Now my phone. And it's the intangible aspects that I'm talking about. I don't care about my phone because it's badly-scratched and not the newest model. But everything inside it showed a part of my life. And now that part will forever be lost. Even memories get distorted, forgotten. But the tangible bits of information, or evidence, will still be there, plain for all to see. Forever.

Though not now, because some rag-and-bone man in the market would probably pick it up and turn it over for some measly meal, while the information inside my phone will be erased. Forever.

Anyway, thanks Xizi for accompanying me and my broken sandals around Singapore from 6.15AM to 6.15PM and it would have been a great day save for that (small) misfortune.

Sigh.

What goes up must always come down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFuJW5Bdbe4
This song is one of the nicest, heart-wrenching ones in the world. Listen to it at full volume especially when walking down empty roads or when you're alone. Makes you feel like you are so alone and vulnerable. Maybe that's how I feel.

26/03/10

2010-03-26T22:58:00.001+08:00

It’s the possibility that keeps me going… and though you may call me a dreamer or fool or any other thing, I believe that anything is possible.

Perhaps I'm more of a fool than a dreamer.

2010-03-24T22:19:00.004+08:00

I also have a photo debt

1. Long Long is like some over-enthusiastic salesman with my Seashell and Poddy 2. Frozen yogurt with rainbows ♥ 3,4. Picnic with DH064 with 10 failed jumpshots (+ 1 successful video), ants and bird poop, lovely heart-shaped chocolate cake and loads of fun :) 5. B&J DAY YESTERDAY @ CATHAY! One hour of queues and loads of Tiki Totems with Trisca ARmy and Leilei 6. Dawn & Eve's birthday with the 41 girls 7. After-CNY celebration outing @ Yi'An's house with 41 (and Long Long), Raving Rabbits and expensive pizza 8. I LOVE AF ♥ and Percy Jackson and the shoe they accidentally "stole" from a shop 9. Ah Ma's birthday dinner (ironically she isn't in this picture, oops) 10,11. CHINESE NEW YEAR :) and I just realised my dress is a cross between my cousin's cutting and my sisters' prints. LOL.

Photog club is making me excited because I am going to DIY myself a camera from scratch. Using cardboard and a pin. !!!!!!!!

23/03/10

2010-03-23T22:45:00.002+08:00

B&J FREE CONE DAY ♥

+ GG Chem test (answer was A I knew that I wrote down B on my paper and only saw when I was counting the number of scripts -.- fail.com) and 真命天子 *shudder* and TIKI TOTEMS which I am bad at and like to remove blocks from the bottom and Trish, Amy and Chulei are pros at it and $34.60 refunds and crazy 12 minute running around the hall and Cotton On.

My favourite pasttime, besides trying to repay my Economics debt (BEEP (Balance of Economic Essays Payments) = DEFICIT) is listening to random bunch of songs with pretty lyrics and lamenting to myself why oh why my life is like that.

Haha okay but currently I love/loathe life and if Friday is the release of results, we will celebrate @ Yoguru no matter what :)

22/03/10

2010-03-22T22:36:00.002+08:00

OK some things are too coincidental hmm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm HAHAHHAHAHA only Amy Tan knows what I'm talking about aka Mousehunt.

Other happy things:

1. I RAN 4.4KM today aka 11 rounds aka I am fit and healthy :)
2. My AQ has finally broken the 4 mark barrier :D
3. Someone turned back twice uh huhhhhhhhhh
4. I have attained enlightenment because I could understand Bio during lessons today. Action potential, all-or-nothing blah blah blah.
5. ACCORDING TO YOU~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu1aQvm5MrU&feature=player_embedded

Okay bye bye, and hello ALCOHOLS (the tutorial, not Vodka Tiger Beer and the like)

20/03/10

2010-03-20T23:09:00.002+08:00

Nothing is constant anymore.

A bat flew out of nowhere and dropped a piece of fruit next to me, a gift from Heaven. A train takes a life and changes so many more. I lift my hands to the sky and cry out; Save me, please save me, for You are strong and I am weak. And suddenly, my whole world is spinning and flipped inside out like the three atoms attached to the chiral carbon. Art mirrors reality, or is it the opposite? Why do we conform to the expectations of everyone, to social norms?

I don't know anymore.

19/03/10

2010-03-19T23:40:00.003+08:00

F it. I take back every word I said. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve anything. I try so hard but you don't even appreciate my efforts. Maybe to you I am a failure. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. But I know I am, and now I am holding out. The thing is, I know I don't want to not do this. Which sucks. Because you obviously shouldn't deserve anything. Yeah and maybe you don't care as well.

Else, Alice in Wonderland is a good movie although the plot is quite predictable. Thank you QY for the great time :) and I realise that I still have so much to do. And it's already Saturday. Goodness.

18/03/10

2010-03-18T11:05:00.002+08:00

Hello, I am still very much alive and my whole holidays have been revolving around school, Bugis Library, consultations and reading, reading and more reading.

I have no life ):

I miss 6A ): After the A's I shall organise an epic sleepover/chalet/gathering *cough yvonnenicolezk help*

Okay I'm off to read GP + math consultation + met Wu laoshi (until now, I still have no idea what is it about but I'm quite nervous :/) + chem makeup lesson + dinner/movie with Qiaoyue later :) Am only happy about the last one.

12/03/10

2010-03-12T23:14:00.006+08:00

After 18 years of existence, I finally have my own laptop (although it's a netbook) on the 12th of March 2010.

YAY.

You cannot imagine my happiness. After being probably the only techno freak (or not) without a laptop of my own. Hehehehehehe. My netbook is off-white because the salesman gave my dad the wrong colour.

Plus I really must study hard because I promised them all Bs for the netbook. And they already bought it which means that I MUST get the 5 Bs. Recently, I keep hearing the sentence "Everything is possible when you believe", or something along the lines. Coincidence much?

Oh yeah I forgot to add that today we did the "crying" experiment for Chem... At first we were all quite disappointed by the fact that none of us teared but as the experiment proceeded more and more people had irritated and red eyes and some even had tear streaks down their faces (me included because I went to take off the safety goggles and walked past a table). LOL. It felt like a stinging sensation in the eyes and we had to keep blinking and shut the eyes tight to alleviate the pain... and then the tearing would begin. And those wearing contacts looked like they were heartless because the gas wouldn't get into their eyes. LOL. Memorable experiment.

I want to get into the eye of the storm.

11/03/10

2010-03-11T17:48:00.002+08:00

Heb 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

I am so optimistic it scares me sometimes.

It is time to start running, again. It's just 1/4 into the race and I am already tired. There's still so many more hurdles, even hidden obstacles, waiting to to trip me, waiting to stop me. And I have already been so close to giving up on this race. My heart is racing. My breath quickens. My mind is at war with itself - hold on, or give up? Continue running, or just walk a little to catch a breather? Or just give up totally?

On the first day of this year, I said it sucked. Someone told me that I shouldn't be too quick to judge. 3 months, 1 term into this year, it really does.

Now what?

08/03/10

2010-03-08T22:01:00.004+08:00

Trust in this beautiful order. Everything in its time.
I will trust in the rainbow when I see one.

& My Saturday dilemma is almost solved :)

08/03/10

2010-03-08T00:27:00.003+08:00

It is 12:27AM, and I am reading Improve Your SAT Scores with the SAT Skills Insight! And eating wasabi-flavoured popcorn and rainbow pocky. The yellow one tastes like sweet corn/potato. My life is so funny.

And happy birthday Ho Pigger! I know you hate yourself for losing your fake driver's license (I can't spell the word! Lisense Liscence oh my.) and you love us for the surprise picnic and fake Maoshi and bag and you lost my driver's license. Tsk. But I love you anyway :D ♥ I know you want to go clubbing to unleash your secret Fergal/Pussycat Doll or something ;) And I hope we won't miss so many Bus 30s so we can have more time together! HAHA. And please stop doing so much CO stuff. Even on your birthday. Sheesh.

But I still love you and I think this picture is very interesting ya :D

06/03/10

2010-03-06T22:47:00.001+08:00

Forever is different from everything else. Forever has no limits. Forever is like the curve tending towards an asymptote. It never touches. It never ends.

05/03/10

2010-03-05T22:47:00.005+08:00

"Ben, remember the F word."
"WHAT?!"
"Faith."

Congratulations to my fabulous and smart seniors Qiaoyue Yuxuan Zhenwei Kennard Kathleen Ruixian :D YOU GUYS DID AWESOMELY WELL! The rest, I still have no idea what their grades are. And after the results were released, Trish and I went into the auditorium and then we saw this scandalous thing right in front of our (and the teachers, seniors and EVERYONE's) eyes. It is like those o__0 moments where all you can do is turn around, walk out quickly and give the o___0 face if not it would be super awkward but the perpetrators (or should I say subjects) were sort of oblivious to the world.

I am learning the art of mastering wanting to ask burning questions so damn badly but holding your tongue because I think sometimes, not knowing beats knowing. Only this once, maybe. And also the art of not being so hyped up and flare at people so often. I will find my inner peace and Om-ness.

Somehow I am also turning quite numb and desensitised to my own feelings. It surprises me sometimes.

03/03/10

2010-03-03T22:50:00.002+08:00

I feel so broken up
And I give up
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Sometimes when I hear songs I will have that fluttery feeling in my heart which is a mixture of pain and ecstasy. I don't know. Sounds very eccentric but that's exactly how some songs make me feel.

The world is turning cold. Not literally, but seems to me like everyone is so task-oriented. Focused. Rational. I think we're getting too busy to be really concerned with other people around us.

The sky dims; headlights, street lamps glow in response. The air is still. Like a drop of iodine in the water, darkness quickly covers the sky in a thick blanket of navy, then grey, and finally black. The air is still. The roads are even quieter. A cat runs across the street, stops, and stares at the girl walking past. She walks, music literally in her ears, humming to her favourite tune, oblivious to the atmosphere of the surroundings. She doesn't belong here. She doesn't belong to this place, that is so silent and sad-looking. Like a ghost town. No, she doesn't belong.

I must really practice my writing skills.

27/02/10

2010-02-27T20:49:00.002+08:00

I'm comin' home, I've done my time
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you received my letter tellin' you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me
If you still want me

Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree
It's been three long years, do you still want me
If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus, forget about us, put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree

Bus driver please look for me
'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison and my love she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
I wrote and told her please

Now the whole damn bus is cheerin' and I can't believe I see
A hundred yellow ribbons 'round the old oak tree

Happy birthday Dawn & Eve! :D

I am going hungry waiting for my IKEA MEATBALLS!!!!!! LOL. Love love. I think I am going to do badly for Bio because all I've done is Evolution. Ah. And math. And econs. Oh weeeeeell.

Ok it is 9PM I should go and study. Photosystems and carotenoids, here I come.

And I have decided to be happy and just put aside all my troubles :) And find inner peace within myself :)

Om Namah Shivaya. I honour the divinity that resides within me.

25/02/10

2010-02-25T21:24:00.002+08:00

Purple light, save me.

Today I didn't know how to feel. Thanks to those who cheered me up, even if you didn't have a clue to what was going on. Thanks to those who talked to me, cleared things up, prayed for me. Really, thanks :)

And DAWN AND EVE I LOVE YOU GIRLS, HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY ♥

The Long Mao in the picture is called Long3 Long2 :) Yes there's hanyupinyin. It's an it. Meaning not a boy or a girl. Haha. Long Long was given to me by my mortal Amy Tan. And I love Long Long although it always falls down every morning. I hope it loves me too :D

24/02/10

2010-02-24T23:11:00.003+08:00

I think I screwed today up.

):

It's not that we're busy, it's just that we choose to prioritise some things over others.

)):

Oh what the heck. So it's MY fault?!

I am really speechless. I am really hurt too, but then again who really cares.

)))))))))))))))))))):

Please let tomorrow be a happy day.

Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone. Every thing is gone.

Every thing I ever wanted, you are gone.

23/02/10

2010-02-23T18:46:00.002+08:00

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung up on your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of how we used to be

We are the boxers in the ring
We are the bells that never sing
There is a title we can't win
No matter how hard we must swing

You know in those movies, when everything, everyone is moving so fast but the protagonist is just standing there, and everything, everyone becomes a blur, warped together in a huge suffocating net? Today I feel just like that. That everyone is moving around me but I'm fixed to the ground, just watching everyone come and go, stay and leave...

That change is the only constant is really true. That maybe no matter how hard you try to remain constant, everything else changes around you. New phone, new pencil case, new love, new heartbreaks. They're all the same, a change from the past (okay, ironic), no?

I don't like change. So I hold on to things and hope and pray that they won't change. Yet the world is changing. So they change. The things I want and the things I love become the things I do not know anymore and the things that are moving out of my life. So I have nothing to hold on to now.

So... now what?

22/02/10

2010-02-22T23:33:00.002+08:00

Today was a very quoteful day, I suppose.

Amy: OMG I wanna have 5 kids...
Trish and I: *gets ready to roll eyes*
Amy: WITH HIM :D (like seriously she made this :D face in real life HAHA)
Trish and I: o_0

Ok in reality it was more like UHHHHHH AMY WHAT?!?!??!

My sis (in an SMS): Hey why are there so many angmorhs (note her spelling) and foreigners in the mrt train ah???

And Mr Tan told us this real ghost story involving himself during PCCG. It was his days in army then when the story finished, I turned around and looked at Ben and he looked super shocked. Like O___O pale-faced. HAHAHAHA.

And PE was 2.4 run and I ran under the extremely hot sun and got like tenth place in the first group I think. Second girl from 41. Must write it down because I have never done it before. Although it is probably due to the fact that Trish didn't run. And so I ran 9 rounds in total for the day. Excellent. I can't believe I am turning into a "sports person" *grin*

I feel very sad now. I think I shouldn't keep probing around. Ah. I keep finding out stuff. One after another. Guess bad news comes together, like twins. This is bad. Sigh.

---

Jo, thanks for telling me everything yesterday. I am so sorry. I wish I had known about your side of the story earlier. Then maybe everything wouldn't have happened... You know, I used to think your life was sort of perfect already. You feel that way too, right? But now I think everything you ever wanted is gone, and you may not know what to do. I mean, who will? When someone you love so much becomes a part of you, or worse, becomes your everything, I don't think you can ever stand losing everything. I don't think anyone could. I don't want to say I fully understand how you feel, because what we're both going through are very different things. So I just want to let you know that I'm here for you, and I really hope and pray and trust that everything will be okay for you :) Maybe in life we have to experience some "wrong" things first, so that we will know how to appreciate the "right" ones when they finally come our way. Time is the essence of everything, time heals, time fades away your scars and time brings new things you can never possibly imagine. I just hope you can try to at least stay happy for now :)

---

Don't you feel vulnerable when somebody knocks down the walls that you've built around you, to prevent yourself from getting hurt? It's like, taking a test which you know you're already going to fail. Yet you still take it, because not doing the test is like giving up without even trying. So you try. You help. You knock down the wall yourself, the wall that you've taken so much work and sweat and tears to build, so impermeable... and then that somebody calls you from the opposite side of the wall and you know, you know you have to open it. Take that chance. All the what ifs piling up.

I never learn, do I.

And sometimes the person you love can become the person you hate. You're right, there's a thin line between love and hate. And I think I am currently bordering on the hate side more than the love side. And it hurts me. It scares me even more. To know that I can have such hatred for you.

But then again, I cannot love you.

Why am I typing all this? I think I need sleep.

This is so disjointed.

Then again, my thoughts always are.

18/02/10

2010-02-19T00:54:00.002+08:00

17/02/10

2010-02-17T23:48:00.002+08:00

Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

I don't really like to take photos during large celebrations like today's CNY ): Makes me feel very... insecure. Especially when there's people I know. Lack of self-esteem much? So I kind of went to the Junior High celebrations ALONE and sat at the centre in front and began taking pictures. I think it is quite scary. But at least I don't need to be wary of who's looking at me (even if they aren't I am always very fearful and self-conscious). This is very bad.

I don't know what else to say although my heart feels quite heavy and I need to lighten it. Maybe it's because tomorrow's back to school again. Oh woe.

16/02/10 - LOVE LOVE

2010-02-17T00:11:00.004+08:00

Okay although I didn't cry tears of joy, I LOVE YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY.

Thanks for making my day so happy :)

Specifically, thank you DH064 for the (failed) class outing (I still want to see the guys wear bowties LOL), picnic where Ben got birdshit (lucky), cake and song and fail jumpshots x 10. And Yi'an for wearing a super short dress and Eve for telling me all your failed plans and Ben for heatstroke in a blazer and tux (is it the same thing? In any case we went to Fort Canning. I think he must have been cooking inside). LOL. I think we will all get As for PW :) CONFIRM.

Thank you AF for PERCY JACKSON (if you are still hesitating go and watch super nice :D), Yiying for successfully lying to me when I'm not supposed to be the gullible one, Pigger for missing her bai nian and Xizi for planning everything :D And the red err leopard prints underwear, yellow eggtart and sunflower, green apple, blue ribbon clip, purple scissors (Firstly it is supposed to be colours of the rainbow. Secondly I lost my purple scissors to some DHS thieves. I LOVE YOU GUYS FOR REMEMBERING. That is the most touched part.) and rainbow gummies and a lovely dress (still unopened cause too lazy/tired D:). And lying to me that ZK is gonna celebrate with you all tomorrow then making me quite pissed LOL :)

Thank you my awesome family, especially my mum and dad and my siblings for the $1.5k FLYER RIDE. LOL. My mum and dad cause they paid for it, so that my whole family + Nic and CHICKYBEE YVONNE can have a private cabin, and my siblings for DRESSING TO MY THEME OF SMART CASUAL. HAHAHHAHAH. And all my family for attending today and being so nice and touching and Vaness for the sparkly sequin wallet which now I don't need to buy one. Love ya all ♥

And now the most fun part for me is the birthday wishes part LOL.

Thanks Daniel, Minjie/Doorknob, Chng Jiahui, Zhenzhen, AP, Pearlyn, CQ, Hongsum, Jerrold, Huang Ching, Goh Jia Ying, Kang Qi, Wanjing, Sandra, Kenneth, Ashley, Nic, Jane, Xinhuan, Annabelle, Jieting, Zhixiang, Zhi Kai, Qianhui, Brannon, Mummy, Kenny, Emily, Von/Chickybee, Rachel, Jarib, Wilson, Natalie, Chik Him, Bridget, Lineatte, Yujie, Mingshuan, Vaness, Boon (Idk why my sisters wish me on FACEBOOK -.-), Sze Wing, Ting, Char, Yeling, Siyun, Zi Jia (actually Idk who is that), Jolyn, Clarissa, Bing Geng, Clement, Yuting, Bin Bin, Jiamin, Wei Jie, Vane, Jun Jie, Valentia, Joylynn, Zheng Hui (who is 3 minutes late LOL) on FACEBOOK.

Thanks Hongsum for being the first to wish me this year (on MSN). And Nic and Abel for wishing me online :)

Thanks ZK for calling from Malaysia and I thought it was from UK. WHAT SURPRISE AH AH AH??? Make me excited only.

Thanks Joanna for wishing me twice here. LOL.

Thanks ZK, Eve, Kenneth, Chu Lei, Zhan Jie, Tricia, Yiying, Lydia (the last 3 people actually wished from 1:22 to 1:23, which is quite scary because it is such an unearthly time and all at the same time. Freaky ah), Nick, Pui Mun, Ben Zhang, Wei Jia, Debdeb, Mojo, Xin Yi, Ah Pek, Mervin, Ning, Yi'An, Wilson, Von, Ezekiel, Amy and Xizi on SMS.

Thanks Amy, Xizi and Kiansiong for wanting to be the last -.- LOL.

Thank you for going to be the first next year and subsequent years until I die ya.

(I realise more than 3/4 of the people here will never read this. But nevermind la horh very fun to type all the names)

Most importantly and above all, thank YOU for not giving up on me on the first 17 years of my life and making this day wonderful and giving me such great friends and family. I LOVE YOU :D

Ok so cryptic.

Anyway I love everyone and thank you for making today special. Though everything appeared quite screwed at first but it all perfected out. And I made three wishes today at the cake-cutting ceremony in the super hot Fort Canning Park. I hope they all come true.

Tomorrow I think to be retarded since it is the last year I'm gonna wear some red shirt for CNY, I AM GONNA WEAR MY DIGGORY SHIRT. LOL. Although I think people will ask me what is a Diggory. *faints*

16/02/10

2010-02-16T00:34:00.002+08:00

I'm 18 :)

Thanks for your well-wishes via MSN, SMS, FB, and calling (from Msia), glad you guys remembered :)

In a few hours' time, I hope I will cry tears of joy instead.

15/02/10

2010-02-15T19:42:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow, at 7.29PM, I'll be 18.

Thank you to every single person who has made my 18 years of existence happy, sad, exciting, funny, lonely, angry, stressed, joyful, memorable, etc etc... Thank you :)

The road from here will be hard and full of obstacles, but I think I can do it with family and friends like these :)

Don't forget what's to come, hasn't come yet.

12/02/10

2010-02-12T22:16:00.005+08:00

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR/VALENTINE'S DAY ♥

Thank you to Eve, Ben, angel (elusive QINLU) for postcards (tsk, this year so few people ah. Lost writing tradition *shakes head*), Trishy for RAINBOW POCKY *faints*, Eve for Happy Surprise (read below), Qinlu for earrings, Yi'an for the Mickey thing (with my Minnie one we are a pair, says Yi'an -.-), Ning and Kiansiong for the chocolates, Guang Lin for wang wang (sounds gay when I write it here), Ben for Smarties and Zenn for Coffee powder and 5 of Hearts card -.- LOL.

1. Eve gave me a HAPPY SURPRISE (aka some bomb bag thing that when you press and shake got streamers pop out) then I started shaking and Eve was like "JING QI NOOOOOOOO" like I got some bomb (literally) in my hand. So the whole class suddenly started to shout at me (LOL) and like quarantine me by asking me to get out. So I was shaking the bag outside and the whole class was looking through the window like some animal in the zoo liddat. HAHAHAHA. Until now I still don't know how the thing works though.

2. My dad bought me a pair of adidas shoes.

Ma: What is your shoe size?
Me: Huh you buying sports shoes ah? Is it the rainbow one?
Ma: Ya below got rainbow stripes one.
Me: OMG OMG IS IT THE NIKE ONE!!!!!!!
Ma: No.
Me: ):

My DREAM shoe. NIKE RAINBOW Air. So if you love me and have $100++ to spare, please thank you :)

Anyway, I just saw the adidas shoe and it is not very nice ): So I am gonna change tomorrow. My dad seems nice about it. He even bought me my new PJs for new year which is super nice. Hahahahah. Love ya pa :)

And the thing I wanted to say about this is that the shoe model is SUPERSTAR. HAHAHAHHAHAH.

3. Something BIG is happening in 4 days' time! OH MY GOSH. So exciting. I cannot wait la. If you are reading this, means you love me, means that you should bake this for me:

LOL. Mad kidding only. But if you really did I will love you forever and ever until the end of time~

Anyway today Dunmanians were being very nice. Case in point: I was in KFC wash hands area. Then there were this group of 3 junior high boys using the 2 sinks so I was waiting there. Immediately, they saw me and squeezed into 1 sink area so I could wash my hands. TOUCHED. And people were smiling more and laughing more which is good. SPREAD THE ♥

OK this was meant to be posted like 2 days ago but I was too lazy to upload the picture. Anyway, hope you guys have alot of ang paos :) And looking at all the kids of my dad's friends they have all grown up and now are taller than me ): What is happening la seriously *sob*

11/02/10

2010-02-11T22:08:00.002+08:00

FML.

I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy I will be happy

Today was telling Yi'An everyone has their problems, it's all just buried deep inside us. Maybe one day I will finally uncover it. Perhaps one day I can freely tell everyone. Till then please make do with all the emo posts.

Eve & Yi'An, we must stay strong okay :)

Plus went shopping with one-third of 41 which is very exciting. Initially it was Yi'An and I only, then JJ went along, then JJ and Benz, then JJ and Benz and Weijia and Eli and Ning and Jean. LOL. And I finally ate Miss Ng's wassants. And I am now $$$-less.

And today Trish says that I am very guy-ish. Because I like to smell papers (especially freshly-printed ones, seriously very addictive and xiang1).

Me: Huh you mean guys smell papers?!
Trish: No but guys like to smell their girlfriends
Me: o___0

She says we are like animals, kinda attracted to a certain scent of the opposite sex -.- This is gonna be another life's burning question.

Alright. Need to go prepare presents for tomorrow muahaha exciting. I cannot wait to see my Mortal's reactions. And I have no idea who my Angel is, up till now. Scary right. And V-day is coming soon which means another single year :)

&& HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPIDERPIG ♥

I still remember the first day of Sec3, you didn't turn up for school -.- HAHAHA. Then the next day when you came, you wanted to sit next to me. AND I REJECTED YOU. LOL. I think I was being retarded. And thank goodness I still got to know you in the end :) It's quite funny how we became friends, then a clique, then Animal Farm, I actually forgot the transition. But I will remember all the memories we shared in the now dilapidated campus and those here (although they are much rarer D:). And yes I will make time to go home with you :) Love yaaaaa and all your funny funny aka blur aka slow moments ♥ XOXO Spiderpig

08/02/10

2010-02-08T23:11:00.002+08:00

Then it will be, if they do not believe you, nor heed the message of the first sign, that they may believe the message of the latter sign.

Exodus 4:8

Thanks class angel for the pretty Artbox notebook ♥ and my beloved mortal for the present! And ZK for the lovely birthday gift :)

Today was also a little bit crazy day because firstly I told Trish I love choir practices and secondly some amazing/weird/scary but not in a bad way stuff happened to me. After choir.

Exciting things are going to happen this week. Oh my I cannot wait. But first I will clear all my Econs homework, which is 1 more essay, 1 more case study, many newspaper articles and probably the case study skills *dies* Slept at 1AM yesterday trying to clear my debt! I think I am gonna faint again tomorrow.

Should I believe in this or not? Some things are really out-of-this-world. There must be another explanation for what's happening. I just hope this is what You want.

07/02/10

2010-02-07T10:37:00.002+08:00

Dear girl, don't be afraid to move on.

One, two, three weeks of school. Three weeks of emptiness amidst all the hectic schedules and piling work.

Went for Body Worlds yesterday. I am deeply fascinated by everything there. It's like a work of art but pretty gross at the same time. Hmm. Had class lunch later with half of the class and saw a wrecked car in the middle of the road o_0

I still have 4 essays (2 parts uncompleted) and 1 case study and many many newspaper articles! ALL DUE TOMORROW. Shouldn't have procrastinated ):

Goodbye life and hello eyebags.

Dear girl, I think it is time.

04/02/10

2010-02-04T23:07:00.002+08:00

I tried. Two weeks. That was all I lasted. Now the cycle is starting over again. Must stop it before it ruins everything. Two weeks. One day. So easy. Must. Make. My wall. Bulletproof. And then I will never let you in again.

By the way MPH @ Raffles City is having a huge sale! Pity they didn't have the book I wanted... but I bought like 2 colour pens woohoo my pencil case is turning rainbow :)

By the way number two I had a dream that I wore orange FBTs under my school skirt and was having a lecture. Then Mdm Loh came and scolded me for wearing brightly-coloured underwear (LOL). And me in the dream was very vindicated and wanted to take out my skirt to show her that I was wearing shorts. When I told everyone today they totally just O_O me.

By the way number three my birthday is coming hint hint in two weeks' time hint hint I love rainbows and kapibaras/cookie monster/big bird (the sesame street character) and pretty things hint hint.

03/02/10

2010-02-03T23:15:00.002+08:00

Back to square one. Ground zero. However you call it.
Stupid girl.

02/02/10

2010-02-02T23:27:00.002+08:00

Take what you need while there's time
The city will be earth in a short while
If I'm not mistaken it's been in flames
You and I will escape to the seaside

There is a lighthouse five hundred yards down
You and I will be safe there

Our only chance is the lighthouse

Lighthouse - The Hush Sound

Today I picked my class mortal with much surprise and shock and I think everyone can guess who it is HAHAHAH. Actually I took another slip of paper but I saw this particular piece on the table and I felt like it was beckoning me to take it (seriously) and I was like "Okay, jiu shi ni le" AND WHEN I UNRAVELLED THE PAPER AND SAW THE NAME IT WAS _

Hahaha don't you love suspense. My mortal is going to be a lucky thing :)

01/02/10

2010-02-01T23:22:00.002+08:00

The clock is ticking.

I don't want you as my friend. I wish you can understand. You know how hard it is for me already. Sorry. I really cannot do it. I am not strong enough. Sometimes I really want to talk to you. I really want to. But I know it will be a vicious cycle for both me and you. It works two ways, just like how it takes two hands to clap. And I am holding my hand out... But you know, how stubborn I can be. I am still waiting. Waiting for something else. I am still hoping. Hoping for another chance. What you want isn't what I want, and vice-versa, but maybe one day it will be. I hope. And I wait. For now, I'm so sorry, let me live in my own little bubble.

Please just let it be true.

31/01/10

2010-01-31T23:27:00.002+08:00

I promise you, the answer will come

& January has come and gone and so have I. I am sorry I am not strong enough.

10 months. 30 over weeks more. And then... what? This struck me today. I realise I may not be able to get into Med school. And so the next best alternative would be...? Nothing. A blank. (I don't know about Psychology which was my second choice because the career is not something I really want I think) Might as well go clean toilets. My dad says if I want to be a toilet cleaner, I must be the best toilet cleaner. So it doesn't matter what job I am doing, as long as I am the best. Toilet cleaner it shall be ):

Today, I saw this uber cute child in the library. So small, so vulnerable (Looks like a pet, Xizi says). And then I realised how I used to look exactly like that. So small, so vulnerable. 18 years later I have grown more than a metre-half and now I tower over my mum, when I was once in her. Amazing, no? How a single cell can multiply and divide to a 1.65m human being. The wonders of life *muses*

Anyway, I wonder and I believe that sometimes when my mum sees me she still sees that little girl running around and screaming (although I still do that, lol) and having the innocence and purity of a five-year-old, and not the angsty adolescent person I am today. LOL. And lately I have been telling everyone how exciting and touching a moment it would be if a little miniature girl/boy with your features came running to you and calling you MUMMY. *faints* I will faint with happiness.

It's been 2 weeks since school started. It's 2 weeks to my birthday. I am on the brink of 18. 18 is the last year of being a teenager (which means I am single for the whole of my teenage life, what the heck). 18 is when you can learn driving. 18 is when you can watch M-18 movies. 18 is when you can drink. 18 is when you can club. 18 is on the brink of being an adult. And 18 is when I take my A levels. I am not going to let myself down. Sigh.

But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

30/01/10

2010-01-30T22:32:00.003+08:00

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you, but still your love was true

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY PA & MA ♥

You two are the world's awesome-est parents. Thanks for everything, although you two scolded me by saying that "SIAO AH. FILM IS OUT-DATED" when I asked you about the Holga T_T I still love you two for being my parents. :)

Tonight's gonna be a good night (LOLLLL) for the both of them but my bro decided to ruin it all by accompanying them to the hotel -.- HAHAHAHA. They have this free hotel stay at the Fairmont cause it's where they held their wedding dinner I think. Happiness~

Anyway I am listening to Starry Starry Night~ and it is very :') which is like touching and wanting to cry but it's the happy kind of sadness. Oxymoron perhaps. The song is so bittersweet. But I am listening it for the sake of GP can you believe it -.- It's a very nice song nevertheless.

Today was a great day although the things I did were quite boring. Studied with Trish the wholeeeeee day with lousy math tuition and Teadot and super nice 90c milk tea !!! and Michael Jackson singing behind us (the place we were studying at was opposite this video shop and it was playing This is It) and I took 969 to Yishun for the first time in my life. Such a long bus ride without stops. Met Xiaoxuan for service :) I didn't regret going even though I went alone. And it was my first time going to another place for service! LOL. XX are you honoured.

I am inching towards Nirvana.

A shout-out to those who are reading my blog (actually I want to tell someone something but I have no idea what medium to use. Sads): PLEASE GO AND STUDY! Cause if you're reading your blog means you are wasting time that can be better spent on other things like reading your Econs notes, solving Math equations or splitting atoms (AHA. Atoms cannot be split. Fail). LOL. Not like my blog is very laoya but still.

29/01/10

2010-01-29T23:18:00.002+08:00

Did I mention before? Dreams are beautiful things. Intangible but so real at the same time, and it's one of the greatest mysteries to interpret the meaning (if there is any to begin with) of dreams.

I secretly admire people who have very vivid dreams that are very long, or those who have very nice happy-feeling dreams or those who have dreams that actually come true. Like deja-vu. Mine only happened once for the deja-vu type and once in a very long time for those vivid dreams where I really felt like I was taking part in it. The rest of the time, I cannot remember my dreams or they would be flashes of scenes or very random stuff with random people inside.

Today, the most exciting thing that happened to me was that a lizard fell on my sleeve when I was carrying my bag upstairs ):

28/01/10

2010-01-28T19:53:00.002+08:00

*faints* I think he makes a better Edward Cullen than Robert Pattinson aka used-to-be-my-favourite Cedric Diggory. LOL. I still think Cedric is a nice name. And I haven't fangirl-ed in a long, long time (Y)

Anyway hi I am still surviving. Tan Chwee Bock says it takes 3 weeks to develop a habit. Maybe it takes 3 weeks to break a habit too? But you know and everyone knows the old adage that old habits die hard. Maybe. Maybe it's because I don't want to.

Yesterday was super fun. I have no photos with me cause I was using the school DSLR but the photog people went to Raffles Place (the grass place where the "retrenched people" sit LOL and it's like Singapore TV's favourite spot to pai) and the film photography lovers (aka Guiju, Yeeherng and I) are going to buy cameras from China and getting excited over taobao.com among other things. Photographers are crazy people who love pizza :)

& Yes Xizi, we must be nice to people :) Love ya very much and we shall study together on Saturday ok! Speaking of studying, here we go again. Boring, boring routine. But it is going to be a routine anyway. *sigh*

26/01/10

2010-01-26T20:07:00.005+08:00

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's a chance I've got to take

It's gonna take a long time. But time is like a panacea. It heals all things. It closes wounds. Yet no matter how much it stops the bleeding, it never fails to leave a scar. Scars, are like imprints of memories. They never fade. They never go away. Sometimes you accidentally open a stitch, stumble upon a memory you thought you'd lost, and it comes back. That pain, that searing pain. It never leaves.

School is energy-sapping. The homework debt is piling up. I had a dream two nights ago. Nice, beautiful dream. Today my whole body is aching and I feel like I have aged 10 years and am going to die soon. I am very, very confused. If I believe would I be a fool? If I don't believe I would have one less thing to hold on to, right? I should just go and start on my homework. My drug. My form of escapism. And my thoughts are so disjointed. Ah.

edit/
jingqi! says: (10:26:56 PM)
oh my god
jingqi! says: (10:26:57 PM)
i want to cry
jingqi! says: (10:26:58 PM)
HAHH
jingqi! says: (10:30:15 PM)
WHA THE ECK

Very very disturbing things make me very shocked indeed. My heart feels like it's stopped. And I am still laughing. Hahahahahaha. No mood to do Econs essays. Bye bye

25/01/10

2010-01-25T21:27:00.004+08:00

Ng Jing Qi.
Stop thinking.
Start doing homework.
Bloody hell today was so tiring.
Stupid Mass PE.
Now everywhere hurts ):
I did 70 sit-ups for the whole day.
50 for PT (which is super fun anyway) and 20 for Mass PE.
My back's gonna hurt.
Stop thinking.
It won't do you any good.
You're just gonna think.
And make up false scenarios.
Now I don't even know what is right or wrong.
I am confused.
Really, really confused.
Someone please upload the photos.
Bah.
Stop thinking.
My birthday's in a few weeks' time.
I wrote an essay on why there should be a standard language.
I think I am going to do badly.
When I see something I want to remember I will close my eyes and cluck my tongue like taking a picture of it.
LOL.
I am weird.
Stop thinking.
It won't do you any good.
Stop thinking.
Stop.
Just stop.

23:46
Ah.
I want to baozha already.
Stop.
Seriously just stop it.
It is coming.
The moment of truth.
I think I am going to die.
My eyebags are coming out again.
I forgot to say that today we went through 5 songs in choir today.
Accomplishment.
I really love the goosebumps and that transcendence I felt while singing.
I guess that's the only thing that overrides the late hours and many pratices.
Anyway, tomorrow is going to be a mad rush again.
Every day will be a mad rush.
Mad rushes are good.
They stop me from thinking.
Too much.
I think too much.
Stop.
Just stop.

24/01/10

2010-01-24T10:17:00.002+08:00

Hello world. It's just been a week of school. And I thought it's already been very long since we started school. LOL. Hectic schedules, studying, mugging, doing tutorials, completing holiday homework, choir, yada yada. I am going to faint already. Hahaha.

Thank You for Your grace, as always :)

Had a very wonderful Saturday! Realised I spent it with all my favourite friends :D Went for GP trial with Trish in the morning, did homework at Tampines library (myself all alone very good right (Y)) and borrowed even more books (now I have 4+3+3 books to complete, plus I borrowed 2 Freakonomics haha), ate lunch with AF sitting on a very long flight of stairs, went for service and dinner with Nic.

Just hope next week will be better. Hmm. And I must start using cheem words like 'tangible', 'curtails', 'attenuated', blah blah blah blahhhhhh GP.

It's been exactly a week.

Head just above the water, and it's so hard to breathe. I'm treading water, but just barely. Just. Barely.

Do you even know how I feel?

20/01/10

2010-01-20T20:09:00.004+08:00

Life is damn hard. It's just the third day of school and I WANT TO DIE ALREADY. ARGH. I have been practising Math + trying to complete my Econs essays (I totally forget everything T_T) + completing Chem tutorials + reading books for GP + almost falling asleep during Bio lectures. LOL.

Yesterday I went to the school library for the first time after PW days and borrowed 4 books -.- They are namely:

1) The Language of God by Francis S. Collins (MUST remember the name so I can use in GP essay, and this book is amazing yo)
2) Blink by Malcolm Gladwell (FINALLY)
3) Think by I dunno who but the author is trying to contradict Blink! So I am going to read both and contradict my own thinking LOL.
4) Freakonomics by I forgot who but I have been trying to find this book for very very long.

And when I reached home my dad bought another 3 books for $1 each (LOL):

1) Lipstick Jungle by Sex & The City author
2) One Fifth Avenue by the same author as above
3) I'm in No Mood For Love by some Little Black Dress author

which are all chick-lit if you can tell. LOL. The last book is in tune with my feelings. I shall read that first after finishing my four library books.

Today everyone had CCA while I went home after the assembly talk. Hurray. Empty buses and solitary walks. I like. Also, Mr Poon has a very soft and wen rou voice. And he himself is very gentle. Seriously. "Is anyone hungry? I will try to end this earlier..." *faints*

Tomorrow I will have my math test and my MF15 will be forever gone please take good care of it, okay? I have been doing math the entire day immediately after reaching home (am I going crazy? I think yes) and now I have no more stamina to do any other homework.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOSSA! ♥

We used to jinx each other so darn often. You still remain my longest friend and though we don't really talk nowadays I think we still know each other inside out. And now you're finally 18 (which means M18 which means can drink and drive HAHA) and you have your Mr M so I AM VERY HAPPY FOR YOU :D All the best in everything you do and no matter what happens, you are my first best friend and I am very proud (and thankful) of the fact that we made up after our very very long quarrel. Hahaha. Btw we should go add our Kindergarden friends on Facebook. Kinderland's the place for you and me HAHAHHAHAHAH. And please don't forget our HLCW cheers. LOL XOXO

17/01/10

2010-01-17T21:55:00.003+08:00

♥ D8

Don't turn away
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Don't be afraid
Keep it all inside, all inside
When you fall apart
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Life is always hard for the belle of the boulevard

In all your silver rings
And all your silken things
That song you softly sing
is keeping you from breaking
It's a long way down
It's a long way

Please hold on
Please hold on
Please hold on
It's alright

I accidentally downloaded the acoustic version -.- But it still sounds very nice!
Tomorrow, will be a new beginning :)

16/01/10

2010-01-16T11:56:00.002+08:00

SPIRITUS 2010! I LOVE DRAKON + 5C41 + D8! :D

I saw a rainbow on the second day of Orientation. Rainbows are special things so special things will happen in my life ♥

I cannot wait for school to start.

AF is the best :D Vivo rooftop + the fake guy who wants to impress us (yknow the guy on the pull-up bar thing at the Vivo rooftop? LOL) + Mass Dance with pigger + Gossiping muahahahaha I miss you all! (Esp Xizi and Coco aaaaah)

Orientation was super fun! Although we OGLs didn't really get to play, but mass dancing was the best (Y) and the very very exhilarated/happy/relieved screaming and happy faces when we found out we won the treasure hunt thing (LOL) and my very very lovely chiong Amazing Race group, D8 :D You guys are the best! So proud to be your OGL :) Plus we really won the spastic photo contest MUAHAHAHAH. And I scared Pearlyn till she cried LOL I am an excellent ghost :) Anyway, 5C41 is going to be a great class!!!!! We seniors can fang xin already. LOL.

... More pictures when they are uploaded?

And thanks to the person who brought my pink Spiritus shirt to school :)

09/01/10

2010-01-09T15:06:00.003+08:00

请你不要就这样离开
给我留下的只是空白
...我不想忘记你

08/01/10

2010-01-08T23:27:00.004+08:00

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Hello! You have been selected to stand in the front row to dance during the opening ceremony."

OK YEAR SIXES PLEASE ALL PON ORIENTATION THANKS LOVE YOU ALL

p.s. Thanks Xizi :) I am glad we didn't watch the movie too but then I want to watch the movie and go back to my delusional world of blue-skinned people (aliens?) ):
p.p.s. JUST FEEL LIKE KILLING SOMEONE RIGHT NOW. YOU SUCK. GO AWAY. BYE.
p.p.p.s. You know the worst feeling in the world is having two mixed feelings which is what I am experiencing right now. It is all my stupid fault.

07/01/10

2010-01-07T15:38:00.003+08:00

I think if I cannot be a doctor next time (actually next time is like 1 year later, oh my gosh), I will be a spy/private investigator. That sort of thing. I think I am quite good at finding out stuff. LOL.

Sincere, sincere.

Yesterday night I coughed some super thick phlegm and it was YELLOW with like dark red blood. Am I going to die? If I die can someone who has my password sign in to my blog + MSN + Facebook and update my personal message/blogpost/status? Please and thanks.

I AM GONNA BE CINDERELLA! :D

@12:47AM

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Thanks AF for the wonderful night out :D Can't stop laughing at our dreams (they may NEVER come true, but still...) and I think all of us are real princesses even if we don't dress up as one. And some day our Prince Charming(s) (Cinderella must like share with at least 2 other people -.-) will come in white horses and we will live happily ever after, ok?

Coco, take care :D WE WILL MISS YOU!

Till then.

06/01/10

2010-01-06T19:38:00.003+08:00

Our school's new slogan is 快快乐乐上学来，平平安安回家去 which is quite propaganda yeah? LOL. Apparently the students love the new principal but the Senior High didn't get to hear his speech so... can't really judge yet. Hmm.

CLCL [#3/pH 7.0] says:
do i look like im joking??
jingqi! says:
how i know
jingqi! says:
i cannot see you

I like the (somewhat comforting) feeling of talking to old friends. Like suddenly after a very long time. Thank goodness I went for orientation. Made some new friends and started talking to my old friends too :) I like this. Thank God for small bouts of happiness despite my condition now.

Orientation is going to be extremely fun. This year's committee did a super good job. Very very nice. Amazing Race has 20 stations (crazy ya) and 7 routes (double crazy). The mass dance is going to be very awesome too. BABY ARE YOU DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN~

Anyway, on the 5th day of the new year aka yesterday, I fell sick -.- Sudden fever with the inflammed/sore throat, which has never happened to me for a very long time. I have a feeling this is gonna be a bad year ): But please don't let it be so. Sigh.

& I still believe I still believe and I think I am deluded and retarded and I am going for counseling. The school one (cause it's free LOL). Seriously. This year will be the year where I am gonna try out everything. Even counseling. Although it's a bit lame but maybe I can learn new things from counseling... And reverse bungee-jumping. And swimming with sharks (ok maybe not this year but someday).

I keep staring at this particular picture. So dead. Ah. But your smile is so sincere.

05/01/10

2010-01-05T00:14:00.003+08:00

1. 5 people's birthdays are on Wednesday?!?!?!

2. Today was damn fun :) DRAKON DRAKON RARR RARR (in Indian accent) and we all have our name claps. Ok it sounds a bit rubbish typing here. This year's orientation is gonna be super amazing and exciting so please please please don't pon :) Hehe. I love 6C41 ♥!

3. My sister's first friend in Bedok South is called Cassandra. And she has an older brother called Samson. Like Samson Lee Gong Hao? LOL.

4. I want to watch Avatar. AGAIN. PLEASE. IN 3-D. Or not also can. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. XIZIIIIIIII!

5. Tricia and I are married :) Please send your congratulations muahahahaha.

6. Sometimes all you can do is hope yea? Even when everything is against you. Sometimes God made it that way so you have to strive for it. So you learn to appreciate what you have. So you grow stronger while you fight for it. But the thing is, don't give up. Fight for it. Keep fighting.

7. K I sound like a philosopher in the previous point. AF are going out on Thursday yayyay power ranger :D

03/01/10

2010-01-03T16:05:00.004+08:00

Hi today I learnt that we must put down the past and look forward to the future! Because the future is beautiful and although it may be a lie or it is going to be chaotic/painful on the way to becoming beautiful.

Actually it is hard to put down the past when I keep reading my old posts and I think my life was a very funny and sad story at the same time. I think I am very stupid also. And it was so beautiful when it lasted. So the overall effect is funny + sad + stupid + beautiful = I don't know what kind of mixed feelings.

Plus the pastor kept saying "THIS YEAR IS YOUR YEAR! THIS YEAR WILL BE THE BEST EVER! IT IS YOUR TIME!" etc etc. which makes it sound like he is talking about me. Or us. Or everyone taking A levels. Ah. But the first point he said was "THINK POSITIVE" which is what I always do :) Yessum. So I am on the right track. Lol.

Orientation dryrun yesterday was soooooo fun and I do not have a talent in tossing ping pong balls into plastic cups. And Drakons are good at Sudoku (proven). HAHAHA. And orientation is going to be so exciting and fun and scary (okay not supposed to say) and and and the dance is very hard to learn ): LOL. Coming from someone who totally doesn't dance, I think the dance should be okay for normal human beings bah.

I AM SO BORED.

01/01/10 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2010-01-01T15:07:00.003+08:00

(I took like 1 gazillion years to upload these photos. Plus I still have another memory card *dies*)

Goodbye, 2009...

This year, there wasn't much bad stuff happening in the sense that I didn't have alot of tangible problems. The only exception was my results, where I saw myself getting more Cs and Ds than a - okay never mind. I hope 2010 will be better (and it WILL be *demands*) because I cannot have my results this bad anymore. Which means no more (or less) procrastination and more action. Okay. Must remind myself everyday.

This year, apart from my lousy school results, I HAD A BAD FINANCIAL YEAR. Although I am not legal to talk about FINANCE yet (I mean, 17 years old girls don't even have jobs, much less income), I feel that I keep losing money like in very stupid ways like buying too much clothes (ARGH! VICE) and losing money to MJ (LOL) and and and that stupid police incident (grr.). So, may 2010 bring riches to me $$$ please!!!!!! ):

This year, I had a lot of emotional trauma. Like seriously A LOT. Now, I can't believe I am actually looking back (when the trauma is stil happening but a lot less) and thinking I am a fool because all those could be avoided. Okay if you have no idea what I'm talking about, never mind. It's my own reflections anyway.

And I am typing all this on notepad while waiting for my photos to load. Yeah. It's super slow because this computer is super slow so I am like doing something while waiting (ACTION, NOT PROCRASTINATION!).

A big thanks you to...

My BFF, Nicole Tan, who is in Cambodia now (did you get sold? LOL), for listening to all my nonsense and for being there and for bringing me to CHC. Yeah you changed my life :)

ANIMAL FARM ♥ for being the best people around :) Xizi, for watching Avatar with me (which is MAD AWESOME please please please go and watch and don't even watch online, watch in the cinema so you can experience it. Like after watching it I thought I was still in the Avatar world and I wanted to watch it again. IT IS GOOD OKAY LISTEN TO ME LOL) and for having all the weird ideas/sayings so I can call you weird :P LOL. Yiying, for the misunderstanding that made us stronger and for always getting me to study. Pigger, for taking bus 30 with me everyday to school and the jogging (that only one time LOL). Coco, for being so high and bubbly and always on time for gatherings (hehe) :D And above all, all of you for sharing/listening to gossip, laughing and joking along, all the fun gatherings and dressups we had and for always being there :)

Trish, for being mature and level-headed and for being my classmate cum choir mate cum section mate and for trusting me enough to share your stuffs with me :) I really appreciate that since I'm quite a big mouth (ok not quite). I think I see you most this year too, like almost 7 days a week. LOL. Thanks for spending 2009 (mostly) with me :)

Lyd, for being such a high and bubbly person and fellow chorister! (and now splatter as well) Thanks for all the fun times we had, especially in Youth Alpha and Splatt and during/after/before choir :)

Amy, for listening to all my endless (mumbling and crying) nonsense, for grabbing my hand whenever I feel like crying (in the auditorium somemore, drama much), for sharing/listening to both our nonsense and because we have similar predicaments, you understand me best in that aspect. You know what I mean la :) Cause there's NOBODY NOBODY but youuuuuu :)

ZK, for wanting to accompany me to watch something but in the end we didn't go and they lost so yeah ): And for getting me FIRST-HAND INFORMATION regarding something hahaha.

Special thankssssss to Abel, Trish and ZK for explaining stuff to me :D I can't write here but I think you know what it is right.

DH064, for being THE best PW group ever. You guys made PW fun and a memorable (in a good, good way) experience. And thanks for the super most fun (entire) day spent watching Coraline + Dim Sum Buffet + Guitar Heroes World Tour while everyone else was slogging away (I keep mentioning this, because I am very proud of this fact). And I have never spent so much time working with a bunch of people I'm not very close to but now I'm close and comfortable enough to show you guys my true colours (seen before already actually). So thank you all again :)

6A'04, for being THE MOST AMAZING CLASS EVER. Although our gatherings are getting fewer each year, I think our bonds are still that strong and thanks for all the great memories we never fail to bring up every gathering and the best 6A chalet ever :)

5C41, for having fun during break-times and dressing up for April Fools' + Teacher's Day :D ANd for the many laughs that never fail to brighten up lessons! I remember one time our class left early because there wasn't anyone there for PC lesson and we all went Macs to eat. LOL.

And to everyone who made any 1 out of 365 days of my 2009 great - Thank you you are awesome possum and you know it :)

For 2010, I want...

A better year ahead.
Me to stop procrastinating (but I ain't gonna do homework today though -.-)
To be strong and not succumb to anything life (or A levels, for that matter) throws to me.

And to be happy :D

& I hope you guys had a great first day of 2010! (which is 01/01/2010 and is a nice number yo) and I had a sucky new year's eve countdown because I was stuck at home D: but I spent the first few minutes of 2010 talking to the greatest being in existence :) And I got scolded one hour after that and until this afternoon I feel that 2010 will be a bad year because of a bad start. LOL. Although I hope not because 2010 is going to be awesome (especially the end of 2010).

Wow I cannot wait already.

30/12/09

2009-12-30T23:02:00.002+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S EVE EVE

Monday: Choir after a very long break! I kinda bruised my back doing 40 sit-ups -.- LOL. I miss you all! ♥ Got the orientation list thing and I am taking 41! Yay yay.

Tuesday: Went out with Nic + Xinhuan to Marina Square for BS and we proceeded to buy err, men stuff. LOL. I think shopping for guys is worst than shopping for yourself -.- Tsk. And I bought a Zara Men black v-neck cotton (made in Bangladesh LOL) shirt HAHAHAHAH. Okay this is abit paiseh. But must haolian to the world that I bought guys stuff in real life (actually have before la, like I ♥ Vietnam and VIENNA shirt for my dad)

Then my best friend left for Cambodia and is going to get sold to be a prostitute -.- According to her. LOL. Crazy woman. TAKE CARE OKAY. I LOVE YOU :D

Today (Wednesday): Was the best day ever! (almost la) Met Coco and Xizi at Bugis and ate at MOS burger cause some person who thinks she rocks aka Xizi wanted to eat the Unagi burger. Okay. Later walked to Bras Basah because the thrift store near Bugis wasn't opened ): So we bought an Econs guidebook with answers for $4 and decided to go to the Salvation Army near Bukit Timah.

So we took 170 ("Eh 175 can anot? Just ask the uncle minus 5") all the way - the whole journey was like 40 minutes - to some ulu place in Bukit Timah. Got some $3 blazers and $5 ties then Coco had to leave for her SE dinner.

So Xizi decided to explore this trail of road leading to like a park or something so we walked and took photos along the way... then we realised that it was really ulu and had trees everywhere - like a mini Genting/Cameron Highlands minus the height and the weather - and there was this flight of steps leading to HOUSES. Like there are houses in the middle of nowhere. Super duper nice. It looked like the Avatar nation (Pandora, I think) and there was this fallen gigantic tree in the middle of nowhere. As we walked there was a car parked at the side of the road and the engine was still on. So I was like "Maybe they're making out in the car" and Xizi dismissed it but she went to look inside the car, she said there were like 2 pairs of hands touching everywhere and everything so yeah, there was a couple making out inside the car. LOL.

And finally, after a very very long and sticky and hot and mosquito-bitten walk, we finally arrived at our destination, which is a quarry. Please wikipedia/google Quarry if you don't know what that is. The place is like covered with water (there's a pavillion/viewing gallery before the water) and it is surrounded by cliffs/geographical features like those you see in Cameron Highlands etc. and it is super pretty. It was so surreal, serene and all the s-words like superb and still and quiet. Wow. Didn't know such places existed in Singapore.

Photos are with Xizi so I cannot show you all how beautiful that place was. But please go there to pak toh or something. Super duper nice. And like very ulu until you can make out like the couple in the car LOL. Ask me for directions okay :)

All in all, I was very happy when I discovered this place. I felt so much calmer. After that, we hiked back to the main roads (aka noisy busy city life -.-), ate Subway and took a super long bus 67 ride (I love) where we talked about guys and girls and elusive love and our future and where would we like to go after A levels? (LONDON NEW YORK SOUTH/NORTH KOREA CHINA) and sad stories and regrets.

And then something magical happened. I think it should be called a miracle? I don't know what else to say. Hallelujah? :)

Love. Today.

And now it's 12:42AM, tomorrow/today is new year's eve and at 11+ PM tomorrow/today, I will make my new year's resolutions. If you're reading this, and have never made/kept to a new year's resolution(s), please start now :) It's never too late! Plus, the magical thing is that no matter how absurd it sounds, new year's resolutions DO come true :)

Story: Before I went to year 3, I made a new year's resolution which is to make 5 new good friends. Which was quite impossible considering I (thought) I already knew most people so I couldn't have the opportunity to start afresh with them and be good friends. And my good friends is like that kind I can tell stuffs/secrets to one. So. I made that NYR, and I promptly forgot about it until end Dec, I found the list again and I saw this. And I was amazed at myself because I actually made 4 new friends in the form of ANIMAL FARM and one more in the form of someone who cannot be named but yeah :) So NYRs do actually come true okay. In the most unexpected ways. Hehe.

26/12/09

2009-12-26T14:51:00.002+08:00

jingqi! says: (2:50:55 PM)
i can go like
jingqi! says: (2:50:56 PM)
mountain
Merry Christmas! says: (2:50:59 PM)
mountain NO GOLD
Merry Christmas! says: (2:51:01 PM)
go cc
Merry Christmas! says: (2:51:05 PM)
alot girl
Merry Christmas! says: (2:51:06 PM)
*GOLD
Merry Christmas! says: (2:51:07 PM)
NOT GIRL

Ng Jing Qi please stop playing Mousehunt. My obsession has gone to a higher level because I keep seeing which friends I can get gold from. Haha. Crazy already. Btw thanks Von for your gold HAHA damn paiseh.

And it's raining so heavily I wonder whether it was all on purpose. The sky changes when you cry. Hmm.

Happy Boxing Day! *box*

25/12/09

2009-12-25T22:31:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas everyone :)

23/12/09

2009-12-23T21:28:00.002+08:00

“Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody. Without worrying whether they’ll give anything back. Or if they’re gonna hurt you, or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn’t something that happens to you. Maybe it's something you have to choose.” - Brittany Murphy

Did I post this before? Because the person who said this, Brittany Murphy, recently died. She was only 32. Life is really unpredictable. So live life. Love. Laugh. Don't regret.

Yesterday was great :) Animal Farm finally got our reunion ♥ After so long (4 months)! Sigh. Coco we miss youuuuuu! And we were so afraid of being late we met half an hour earlier... and still ended up late (lucky Coco was late too). Ate Yoguru at KLP (yeah, weirdest meeting place) and we saw Joanne Peh before that shopping at the basement. Weird right. Like, KLP? Then we were queueing for Yoguru when Dai Yang Tian queued behind us o_0 Yes lol. Totally weird. "OK let's take a picture with him!" says Xizi, who was chiding me about taking a photo with Joanne Peh just moments ago. TSK.

Then later Yiying was spazzing and looking like she's gonna faint from happiness then I realised that Qi Yu Wu was next to us. HAHA. This is uber freaky la. They came in different groups, all at the same time? o_0

Later on we did a spontaneous trip to Salvation Army and got off at the wrong bus stop, took another bus and got off at another wrong bus stop AGAIN. HAHAHAHA. Spontaneous much. So we went to a much smaller Salvation Army and did not buy anything. Lol. Took a bus to Great World City and wanted to watch Avatar but it was too late so we just walked to Subway to talk (and eat). We were trying to guess Coco's password which is a four letter word (F**K?!) and ends with a K (F**K?!) lol. So we guessed all sorts of random rubbish:

Me: Dick!
Xizi: STOP IT AH VERY GROSS LEH.
Yiying: Pigger guess!
Jiaqian: Pork
Us: LOL
Xizi: ...Gork?

Christmas is coming! Yay.

Born the King of Angels; O come, let us adore Him :)

20/12/09

2009-12-20T23:08:00.004+08:00

Today was spontaneous and fun and donuts and Topman and candle wax all around. Pretty. And I invented the perfect way of calling someone when your phone battery's gone. Go to Starbucks, buy a drink (optional, but I felt like it), sit down, take out your iPhone/iTouch/BlackBerry/any other devices and go find Starbucks Wifi, go on eBuddy and ask someone online to make the call for you. Hahaha. I think I am very smart :D So THANK YOU ah pek for calling Xizi for me and I will make sure I charge my phone the next time round.

Sometimes I wonder why I am waiting and all I am waiting for is for night-time to come. This is too ridiculous. This is too much to bear.

I am wasting time.

EDIT: I am reading my past entries and I realise I should have owned a diary this year so I can know what really happened everyday because I keep typing very vaguely. Now everything will be lost but it's okay, I got my inbox full of messages and my brain cells are still in G0 phase and I have people to tell so I guess I won't forget everything la horh.

Btw I think I am very high sometimes and very low sometimes. Reading past entries make me laugh/cringe like mad. I think if someone hacks my account the person will zhuan dao. I very entertaining :D Plus I realise I have like 20 over MSN convos saved as drafts that I am too lazy to delete and some are super funny I didn't even know they took place. Lol.

jingqi! says:
okay
jingqi! says:
you must stay in the house ok
jingqi! says:
cause the surprise is a bigass
jingqi! says:
like a stripper
jingqi! says:
HAHAHHAHAHAH
dancing queen says:
OKAY -.-
dancing queen says:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
dancing queen says:
IS XIZI RIGHT
dancing queen says:
LOL
jingqi! says:
-.-

From Jan 10 this year. We were preparing a surprise to present Coco her present (which is a ginormous placard, not a stripper) in her house. And she really thought there would be strippers -.- HAHA.

Anyway I have just decided that moshui isn't worth it, although he is actually very worth it and I am lying to myself but. He already likes someone and so. I should just give him up because. He doesn't even know who I (really) am and. I don't think he wants to be my friend.

Bye NYR.

30th Jan. This is the most epic thing in the whole world. And why did I italicise moshui. HAHAHAHHAH

Sorry, for everything I've caused you. I saw your blog post. I hope you move on. I hope we can move on.

14th Feb. Yahoo? What is this?! LOL. What blog post? What did I cause? HAHAHAHHA. Oh my gosh. See la I shouldn't really write such ambiguous stuff o_0 Oh okay I think I know already. *guilty* Sigh.

I really am going to crack open and laugh/cry my head off. Really. Some things are like so bittersweet. Others are purely retarded. Really. Oh man see how much changed in one year. One. Bloody. Year. Go back, go back. You know when I was younger I used to test myself to see whether I would travel back in time by covering my ears and closing my eyes so that everything is silent and I would wish, wish so badly... then when I open my eyes I'd go check Straits Times to see if the date was like in the past. But of course, nothing happened.

I really, really want to go back. Really.

20/12/09

2009-12-17T16:30:00.003+08:00

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?
Aha that's a song lyric :D

Yesterday, I went out with my family (minus my dad). We watched New Moon which turned out to be an absolute waste of money and Jacob is the tragic and I hate stupid Bella and Edward glitters HAHAHHA. Okay seriously if you are thinking of watching, don't. Either you buy the fake pirate DVD or download and watch online okay? And watch Avatar or Alvin and the Chipmunks (LOL) or Planet 51 or Princess and the Frog but NO NEW MOON OKAY? Promise ah.

Today, I almost fainted in J8 because I slept at 3 and woke up at 7 (LOL I just realised how little I slept). Did CIP with Lyd cause ERHEM SOMEONE fell sick tsk ah weak body. Had quite alot of fun knocking on people's doors and asking for FOOD DONATIONS CANNED FOOD MAGGI MEE RICE ALSO CAN WE GOT ZIPLOC BAG.

Anyway do you guys know (I'm sure you don't unless I told you before but I don't think so okay rambling~) I have this quirk/guai pi that is every time I go to a place, I will think of it like I'm rewriting over the previous memory I had when I went to that same place. For example, the last time I went to Parkway was with (okay cannot rmb but I think it was) 5C41 so my memory will be that Chulei and Eve pei me to _ (embarrassing cannot mention here la) and after that we ate ice cream and I chose a wrong flavour. LOL. Anyway so if I go to Parkway again, my memory will be "rewritten" to like probably going with my family for lunch or something like that. Yeah.

So, I tend to avoid places where I have had great memories and go to crappy places (hehe now you know why I forever Orchard/Bugis/Marina Square okay jk) but then I just keep going there like it's meant to be so I guess it IS meant to be and the only places that I've not been to are: Holland V *cry + sigh + lament*, Toa Payoh HDB Hub (LOL), Esplanade rooftop (this one reserved for AF :D), National Stadium (lucky gonna tear down and rebuild already so also won't go again), and SWISSOTEL. Very random right. But still.

(So please don't date me there okay unless you want me to reject you HOHOHO but then the only people reading this blog are girls and ZK I think)

Okay typing this just made me quite sad so I think I am gonna write about more happy stuff!

Like I just had buffet with a good-looking guy sitting opposite me. Sounds like very (Y) right but it is totally (N) (which is the thumbs down sign in MSN) because 1. He is actually my dad's friend's son and we were eating dinner with like his family + my family + another family with a son from RJ lasttime (they all very smart leh T_T), 2. He doesn't like speaking in English (which my mum says is a form of respect for his parents cause like they don't speak English so they converse in Teochew -- which I don't understand) although he just came back from England, 3. He keeps playing PSP then very hard to talk to him although my mum keeps saying "EH YOU GOT TALK TO THEM ANOT!" (them = him and his siblings) and 4. Actually he not very shuai la. LOL.

If someone reads my blog he/she will think I am an ultimate bimbo but I think this is the very superficial me because I CAN THINK DEEP ONE, OKAY! Two different people just said I am very practical in the span of two days so AM I VERY PRACTICAL? Means what, I very thinking/calculative/planning everything hao hao izzit ):

---

And I am thinking of a fresh start so, can anyone just answer me some cryptic questions I am gonna ask right now:

(Sorry I like to ask questions -- I think I must go be a psychologist to delve into the mysteries of the human mind)

1. Add or don't add?
2. Go or don't go?
3. Chase or don't chase?
4. DO YOU LOVE ME :D (okay kidding don't need answer this HAHA)

Okay very gay right the questions. Don't anyhow think. Just go with your heart (something which I think - SEE I JUST SAID I THINK - I can never do, so I need your help) and give me the answers. Okay. So people who never tag in 123456789 years, it is your time to SHINEEEEE :D

I just sneezed and I smell wasabi o_0 LOL weird.

Alright I am going to go sleep and wake up to a candlelight service tomorrow mmhm... and I am slowly letting go of the many (colourful rainbow!!!!) balloons in my hands, letting them fly away into the blue sky. No matter how hard I try to hold on to them, well you can see my palms hot and sticky, red and sweating, some still slip away, and when they do, no one can get them back, no matter how hard I try. They just fly, fly away. All that's left are the wonderful memories of how happy I were when I had these balloons. Sometimes, you can choose how you want to look at certain things. Do you need them or do you just want them? I guess these are the times. These balloons want to fly; the helium in them makes it their inherent nature to want to soar into the sky. I guess they would be happier being free, not chained down by that piece of string I hold on to.

So I let go, and they fly.

Up, up, and away. Away from me.

So, balloons, goodbye, I will miss you all.

~~Who says I cannot do deep/emo/cheem?! Tsk.~~

15/12/09

2009-12-15T13:24:00.012+08:00

For my 899th post: I just took a look at my Poddy cause I synced all the photos I have taken for the past few years into it and I kept wanting to laugh because I/we all looked so funny last time... So here's the best photos/memories I had from 2007-2008. LOL.

♥ Italy 2006 :D And I have no idea I had a denim jacket o_0

NDPreview LOL.

This is fooling around before IDMI presentation HAHA.
Erhem VEST AND SHIRT/Elvin Ng hahhahhahha
I invented this kind of photo-taking style lorh. And still remember we spent about 1 hour in the dressing room trying on clothes + taking pictures while there was a long queue outside. HAHA.

National Day aka Nic's birthday 2 years ago :) Actually I can't remember last year what we did leh. LOL. And this year? x_X

Okay I just remembered I broke your camera last year in the neoprint shop and this year I can't remember what we did o_0
LOL (my eyebags very yan zhong T_T)

This is to sabo my sister HAHHAHAHA. Taken I think 3 years ago in Thailand :D

My brother is the cutest brother ever. No fight.

50th Anniversary performance :D My hair is damn weird.
LOL.
I remember Jo saying this pic is damn nice then still go and put as dp. HAHA
UM LOLLLLL. Choral Excellence camp. I see Ruixian... and Randy. HAHAAHAHHA
Okay I only put this cause I think I looked normal. Except the parting abit too big and obvious ya. Lol. And sadly we didn't have any gatherings after this camp ):
Haha my all-time favourite picture of Trish (and MJ) :D
I had no idea this picture existed until today. HAHAHAHHAA. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HAD THE PINK HAT IN THE FIRST PLACE LEH.

&& the more recent (2008-2009):

♥♥! Hehehehhe. And there's alot of Mickeys on the wall.

Ok my shirt is pai kia tuck out LOL
♥ (someone go and photoshop himself in HAHA and my posture is disgusting)
*cough*
Ok I am going to tell a story for this picture: It was a postcard meant for someone and I wrote this at the bottom. Now thinking back I feel really retarded and very gay that I actually 1. wrote THAT (I think I was semi-possessed and abit too high) and 2. TOOK A PHOTO OF IT and 3. used a DEATHNOTE postcard. Like zomg. Then the next day everything changed and my life wasn't the same anymore... Like seriously. LOLLOLLL. This is haunting me *shudder*
LYP CONCERT!
Trish = Yoga/Hiphop teacher

The railway behind our container classroom + ginormous spider + pink ugly jacket AHHHH I MISS MT SINAI!!!

Yesterday night in my insomniac hours I was looking through sgsecret@tumblr (where people post their secrets anonymously but it's based in Singapore I THINK) and I realise that I'm not alone. Which is very comforting because it's such a scary thought to be fighting for what you want/against the odds or something ALONE. Like there's no one there for you. It's still quite comforting knowing that there are people out there with similar situations, even if you don't know who they are. I guess.

Whenever I am feeling alone I just want _ because _ will be enough but then _ is like gone now.

Okay this post's all done. I am going to take a shower and eat my lunch at 2:41PM. Awesome :)

14/12/09

2009-12-14T22:42:00.009+08:00

No one falls in love by choice, it's by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it's by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it's by choice.

My BF came over today! For the first time in 8 years :) Although she got down at the wrong bus stop and I had to fetch her -.- We interrogated SOMEONE and found out SOMETHING. Tsk. This is unnerving.

Plus 6A gathering was the bomb. LOL. We totally um turned the hotel room upside down and became crazy + there's a ghost outside our hotel room hahahaha. And I broke a glass ): And we played Bridge (where someone bidded 3 Spades and called Ace of DIAMONDS LOL) and Blackjack (I won money!!!) and MJ (I lost ALOT of money!!!!!). And reminiscing about the past is the most fun thing to do because everyone remembers different (and some same) stuff and everything just sounds so childish but perfectly alright to us last time. Flag erasers + Hopscotch + Soccer guys (and girls) + SHUI GUI + standing outside the classroom because the guys were too sweaty to get in + Fu Lao Shi + hanging around the void deck next door + crying Xi Ning HAHA

Elvin Ng and Cole Mohr look damn alike right XIZI. AND YOUR BLOG HEADER = EWW.

And thank you two once again for the very pretty and purpley B :D

I miss you and I really want to talk to you, I hope you feel the same way too. But I need to test you. I need to test myself too. To see whether I can live without you or not. To see whether I truly need you. It's just three days but I'm already dying. I hope you see this. I really hope everything will be okay in the end. Like You promised.

edit/ it is 2 bloody AM and I cannot sleep and the most insomniac person I ever know has already went offline. zzz

2009-12-13T17:20:00.001+08:00

I ♥ 6A :D